


breathe, my love (the morning will come soon)

by SharkbaitSekki



Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: Abuse, Angst with a Happy Ending, Developing Coping Mechanisms, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Family Drama, Happy Ending, Healthy Relationships, M/M, Mental Health Issues, More detailed tags inside, Not as scary as the tags imply, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trust Issues, seb/farmer are ride-or-die and the abuse is not between them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:46:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 31,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28251876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SharkbaitSekki/pseuds/SharkbaitSekki
Summary: Sebastian's nightmares come back to haunt him in the flesh, and although he's not alone in facing them this time around, it's still not easy for him to lean on those who love him. His husband Sienne learns this the hard way when he nearly loses him as a consequence, and from rock bottom together, they work their way up through mistakes and missteps, all the way to the top where they can both breathe freely once more, and dream.(Sebastian doesn't know how to cope with his trauma. Farmer Sienne really does his best to help him work it out. And eventually, they do).
Relationships: Sebastian/Male Player (Stardew Valley), Sebastian/Player (Stardew Valley)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 90





	1. Breathe, My Love

**Author's Note:**

> SDV 1.5 released yesterday and I'm a little scared of playing on day 1 bc a few of my mods didn't update yet, so I wrote this instead. This fic is inspired by Sebastian's extra development included in the mod Stardew Valley Expanded. I watched his event and suddenly his character had so much more depth to explore and I obviously had to explore it. Honestly, I just really like writing the psychology of trauma and stories about moving on. 
> 
> So yeah, this takes places in the SVE universe. Doesn't really matter if you haven't played the mod, I really tried to keep the exclusive details to a minimum as to make this fic accessible for everyone, whether you're a vanilla or modded player. If you haven't seen the SVE Sebastian cutscene, though, and don't mind spoilers, here's a very quick rundown:  Seb still has nightmares about his biological father who was abusive to him and Robin, stole their money, and was a gambling addict. 
> 
> The farmer's name is Sienne! It's pronounced like the letters "CN" LOL. Nickname "Sie", pronounced "See"! I purposefully avoided physical traits in this fic to make it easy for everyone to imagine their own farmer OC, but if you're curious, [my dear friend drew this art of him for me](https://twitter.com/DarksStars/status/1340403073043345410?s=20) (please look at him, he's so pretty. Primary-colours-lookin' ass twink).
> 
> So there are a lot of heavy tags on this fic, and it's a fic about facing trauma through ups and downs and eventually learning to move on together, so, uhh, of course the tags are a little heavy. This is my first work for the fandom so I'm not familiar with the general vibes of this demographic, so I'm just gonna cover my ass and explain the tags. If you're not worried about any tagged content, just go straight to reading, and please enjoy!! But if there is a tag that worries you, I've kinda explained the circumstances for each warning in the end notes. These notes are full of spoilers, though, fair warning. Click the link "more notes at the end" to access them and read the one that concerns you!

In the summertime, the sun rose early, and yet somehow the rooster always knew to crow at 6AM. In the gentle light filtering past the closed blinds, Sienne stirred, slowly pushing the thin blanket off to the side. Dust floated peacefully around him as he opened his eyes, blinking a few times to let the last dregs of sleep fall away before he sat up. The bed creaked as he stretched, cracking his back before turning to the dark lump lying right next to him.

“Morning,” he greeted, pleasantly surprised to find Sebastian still in bed. It wasn’t often that his husband got a full night of sleep. Stretching his arms above his head, he let out a yawn, and then leaned over to blindly press a kiss to Sebastian’s hair.

In response, Sebastian just curled in on himself, barely shifting on the mattress as he ducked out of reach. Snorting at the unexpected reaction, Sienne sat back up and tapped his shoulder.

“Come on, Seb.” Smiling softly, he peeled the blanket off of Sebastian, leaving him in his hoodie and underwear. How he could tolerate the long sleeves on hot summer nights remained a mystery to Sienne, who felt like the sheets stuck to his arms regardless of what he wore to bed. “You have a call with a client at nine today, and I know for a fact that you were asleep at ten when I got back last night.”

“’m snoozing today,” Sebastian grumbled, his voice low, but not too rough. He had probably woken up a while ago.

“You can’t snooze a rooster.”

“Doin’ it anyway.”

“Fine.” Just because Sienne had to get up at ungodly hours, it didn’t mean his husband necessarily needed to suffer the same fate. “I’ll go let the chickens out and be back to make breakfast. Try to be up by then.”

Sebastian let out a non-committal grunt of acknowledgment, and Sienne sighed, knowing it was the best he would get out of him.

Swinging out of bed, he stretched to his toes for a few seconds and then went for the dresser to pick out some clothes. Rain had been forecasted as of the mid-morning, so although he wore his rubber boots, he hoped he would be done and back inside before it started. Despite sleep still clinging to his limbs, he stepped outside within minutes of getting up, shielding his eyes against the sun as he started walking down the patio. At the sound of his steps on wood, the cat napping on the dirt path raised his head, standing up and stretching to greet Sienne.

“Heya, June.” Scratching the cat’s cheeks, Sienne cooed at the sleepy, contented look on his face, and eventually let go when June rubbed against his calves, following him when he stepped away. “Go away, Junie,” he laughed, watching the cat trot ahead of him on the path. “You know you’re not allowed near the coop.”

The cat just mewled in response, drawing another laugh out of Sienne.

June stayed behind when Sienne entered the pasture gate, letting out a pitiful mewl when the latter blew him a kiss from the other side, as if he had no idea how to get past the gate to follow (he did). Crossing the grassy field, Sienne first lifted the hatch to the barn, waving hello to the cows idly chewing on hay near the feeder. The livestock usually took their sweet time heading outside, so Sienne didn’t wait up, instead going for the coop across another partial fence. The coop hatch was much easier to lift and slide, and near-immediately, the first hen poked her head out, clearly having been waiting.

“Hello, Chimaek,” Sienne greeted, patting the chicken’s head twice before it waddled off, excited to run across the grass. One of the ducks came out next, honking loudly in what Sienne hoped was an affectionate greeting. Paying him no mind, it waddled off as well towards the small pond in the enclosure.

As the rest of the coop’s inhabitants began to leave, he entered it, immediately scrunching his nose at the smell. The clear culprits clucked innocently as Sienne sighed, grabbing the broom for a quick, overdue clean-up.

“I’m so sorry you have to deal with this,” he said to the rabbits in their separate hutch as he swept the droppings and stray hay off the floor. “You guys never smell. The chickens could learn a thing or two.” Curiously pressing their twitching noses to the bars, they stayed silent, and waited for him to finish, whistling a little tune all the way. Once the floorboards were slightly cleaner, he opened up the hutch, letting his three rabbits exit and shake the hay dust off their fur.

Affectionately rubbing their foreheads, he intended on indulging them for much longer before he was interrupted by the buzzing of his phone in his overalls pocket. The rabbits ran off at the sound of it while Sienne stood to retrieve his phone.

He was surprised, and perhaps a little confused to see his mother-in-law’s smiling face on the screen.

“Good morning,” he greeted when he picked up, busying himself with replacing the old hay in the feeder with a fresher batch.

“Hi, Sienne.” Robin’s voice was steady on the other end, not betraying any emotion. Sienne couldn’t help but frown, unused to such a careful tone from her. “How are you?”

“I’m fine. Just running through the daily routine.” Switching his phone to the other ear, he planted his hand on his hip. “Everything okay with you? Not that I don’t enjoy hearing from my mom-in-law, but…”

“I didn’t mean to worry you.” At least that drew a short laugh out of Robin before she continued. “I just… I was wondering if Sebby looked okay this morning.”

“Huh?” At the mention of his husband, Sienne frowned and stood straighter. “Is something wrong? Did something happen?”

“No!” The response did nothing to alleviate Sienne’s concern. “Well… yes, but it’s not something he’d want me to talk about. I just wanted to know if he looked any different to you.”

“He seemed more tired and grumpier than usual, but there’s always those mornings where he refuses to get up.” Exiting the coop, Sienne began walking back to the farmhouse, sidestepping the cows and goats that had roamed out to enjoy the brief sunlight of the day. “Did something happen when he came over yesterday? I thought it was odd that he suddenly ran off to see you, but I didn’t think there was a problem.”

“It’s… complicated.” Robin sounded exhausted on the other end. “Sienne, could I just ask you to keep an eye on him? He didn’t seem upset when he left yesterday, but Sebby has a tendency to… how to say this…”

“Isolate himself and not talk about his feelings?” Sienne completed with a sigh. “Yeah, I know. I’ll try to talk to him today.”

“Thanks, Sienne,” Robin hummed, relief evident in her voice. “It was just a minor incident, but… I just wanted to make sure. Motherly instincts are a pain, aren’t they?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Sienne chuckled, glad to hear a joke despite the tense conversation. “Must be rough, not being able to barge into his room any time you want anymore.”

“Very funny.” They both knew how much Sebastian hated his privacy being invaded, one of the reasons he was glad to leave his mother’s basement behind. “Alright, well, I’ll leave you to it. I appreciate you being so good to him, Sienne.”

“Not at all.” Swinging the pasture gate closed and locking it tightly, Sienne glanced up at the sky. The sun was still out, not a single cloud in sight. He wondered if it really would rain today. “I’ll let you know if anything comes up.”

“Thanks. Take care.”

Without waiting for a reply, Robin hung up, and Sienne slipped his phone back into his overalls as he crossed the blueberry patch towards his house. Their conversation stayed on his mind as he glanced at the window to their room, shades still noticeably drawn. Sebastian had off days once in a while, and Sienne knew to give him space when it happened, but he couldn’t help but worry this time around. For Robin to call him about whatever had happened the day before, it must have rattled the both of them.

He climbed the steps to the farmhouse, June nowhere in sight this time around. It felt slightly eerie to step inside, not a single sign of life in the living room, the door to their bedroom still closed.

Letting out a sigh, Sienne removed his boots and padded over to the kitchen, putting on a pot of coffee and hoping that the aroma would draw his husband out. While it brewed, he jumped into the shower to freshen up, using the opportunity to think of how he’d approach Sebastian about the call with his mother. The last thing he wanted was to be shut out, so with this kind of topic, he knew he had to be careful.

Once showered and dressed, he stepped back in the kitchen, slightly disappointed to note that the coffee had not, in fact, successfully lured Sebastian out of bed.

Scrapping all his tactical brainstorming, he figured he may as well just approach the issue directly, and grabbed mugs for both of them before entering their bedroom.

“Seb,” he called out, the wooden door creaking audibly as he pushed it open with his foot. “Babe, it’s nearly seven. Come on.”

“I’ve got nothing ‘till nine. Let me live.”

Rolling his eyes in amusement despite the underlying worry, Sienne walked over to Sebastian’s side before almost aggressively thumping the mug down on the end table.

“Want coffee?” he asked lightly, biting his lip to hide his laughter when, after a second of hesitation, Sebastian snaked his hand out from under the cover to fumble for the mug. “Seriously? You’re gonna make a mess like that.”

“Involving coffee is cheating,” Sebastian grumbled, but seemingly gave in, finally pushing the covers off and moving to sit on the side of the bed. Sienne followed his motions with a fond smile on his face, then headed over to open the curtains while his husband got up. Light poured into the room, drawing a grunt from the former basement-dweller in the room, something that also brought a smile to Sienne’s lips.

Turning around to walk back, he took a moment to admire how Sebastian’s outline almost glowed in the morning light. Despite the bags under his eyes and the frown on his lips, the messy hair plastered to the side of his head and the rumpled hoodie, he was beautiful.

“I love you,” he said, letting out a short laugh when Sebastian narrowed his eyes at him over the rim of his mug.

“You want something from me, don’t you?” he replied teasingly, and Sienne was glad to hear some life return to his tone. “Name your terms.”

“Come have breakfast with me,” he answered without skipping a beat, stopping in front of the bed to smooth Sebastian’s bedhead until it looked slightly more presentable. There was exhaustion etched in the lines of his face when he looked up, and Sienne was once against reminded that his husband didn’t often sleep well. That thought put a damper on his mood as he smoothed the last strand of hair, then trailed his fingers down Sebastian’s face until his hands cupped his jaw.

Sebastian kissed the pad of his thumb before shaking his head free to take another sip of coffee.

Sienne decided that it was as good a moment as any.

“Seb,” he started, his heart squeezing when Sebastian looked up, eyes wide and curious and tired- so obviously exhausted. “Umm… I just wanted to ask you if everything was okay.”

“Yeah.” The answer was given tentatively, as if Sebastian was weighing it on his tongue. “I just… had a rough start today.”

“Do you wanna tell me about it?” Sienne continued carefully, sitting down on the bed to be at eye-level for the sensitive conversation. The bed dipped under his weight and he leaned in, not quite touching shoulders but staying close regardless. He put his untouched mug of coffee between his thighs, glad for the partial AC in their room as it steamed against his skin. Sebastian seemed to be taking some time to think and Sienne remained quiet while he sorted his thoughts out, sipping his coffee once in a while.

“I’m okay, Sienne.” Curling his hands around his mug, Sebastian didn’t meet Sienne’s eyes. “It’s nothing to worry about.”

“Your mom’s worried, though.” Sebastian’s eyebrows jumped in surprise at that, then furrowed in a clear show of irritation. Not wanting him to get too pissed, Sienne rushed to continue. “She called me this morning in the coop. She didn’t say much, just asked me to check on you. Said something happened yesterday, but wouldn’t tell me what.”

“It doesn’t involve you,” Sebastian bit out, hands tightening on his mug. He turned his eyes back down to it, now clearly tense. “Look… Something came up yesterday, and we took care of it. It’s not important.”

“Okay.” Trying not to feel too rejected, Sienne attempted a smile. “Okay, Seb. I trust you. I know you like having your space, but I just… I hope you know you can tell me anything.”

“I know.” Draining the rest of his mug, Sebastian set it down on the table and got up, Sienne tilting when his weight left the mattress. “I’m not lying to you, Sie. I’m okay. I just don’t wanna talk about it.”

“Okay.” Biting his lip, Sienne figured the conversation was over, and all things considered, it could’ve gone much worse. He glanced down at his mug, running a finger over the rim, wondering if he should say anything else when the footsteps turned back to him. He lifted his head just in time to see Sebastian stop in front of him, this time his turn to cup Sienne’s cheek and lean down.

All of Sienne’s worries left him for a moment, just long enough for muscle memory to take over, tugging Sebastian close by the neck of his hoodie and placing a soft kiss to his lips. It only lasted for a few seconds, but for the entire time that Sienne’s eyes stayed closed, he felt weightless.

And when Sebastian drew away, a visible blush dusting his pale cheekbones, Sienne only laughed, genuine and unrestrained, because easy moments like these were the peak of his happiness.

“Why are you blushing?” he cackled, getting up, careful not to slosh his coffee as he rose to full height before hooking his free fingers into Sebastian’s hoodie again. He gave him a short kiss this time, grinning against his lips before drawing back, mirth sparkling in his eyes. “We’re married, Sebastian, you can stop blushing now.”

“This is just my face. I don’t know what you want me to do about it,” Sebastian snorted right back, letting a tiny smile twitch on the side of his lips before breaking away to head off towards the dresser. Leaving him to his routine, Sienne grabbed the empty mug off the table and left for the kitchen.

“Alright, well… hurry up if you don’t want to eat breakfast cold.” With that, he left and closed the door behind him, heading for the kitchen with an extra bounce in his step that wasn’t there before.

They didn’t speak of it again. But Sebastian’s shoulders did seem a little less tense while they ate, and Sienne figured that it would have to be enough.

…-…

Right after breakfast, Sienne pulled his boots and overalls on again and headed out to continue his routine. Sebastian had never asked him explicitly, but Sienne knew that he preferred being alone in the house when he had calls with clients, so he stepped out to let him concentrate on his work. Milking the cows and goats was always a time-consuming process, and by the time he was done, carting bottles of raw milk away to be pasteurized in a separate building on the other side of the crop field, it was already mid-morning, and dark clouds had rolled over the sky.

Although it had gotten a little cooler in the absence of the sun directly over his head, Sienne couldn’t help but feel stifled at the sight of them. After the first year and a half on the farm, his finances had stabilized enough for him to be able to take rainy days off, but he still felt like he was wasting days away whenever he wasn’t out working. It was a stark contrast to the existential exhaustion that led him to crash on his days off back when he still worked for the Joja Co. offices in the city. These days, watching the rain against the windowpanes, he only felt restless.

Aiming to at least get the most possible done before the rain started, he set up the pasteurizing machinery for both the dairy and the eggs and then jogged back towards the barn to herd the animals back inside. As always, the cows obediently let themselves be herded back in, whilst the goats fought Sienne on every turn. By the time he got all of them into the barn and the door shut, he was covered in dirt, and a light mist had started to settle in the air.

Thankfully, the chickens were easier to herd, if only because Sienne could physically pick them up, one under each arm, and drop them into the shed. The rabbits were the most docile, already fleeing inside at the first sign of a drizzle, and Sienne didn’t mind leaving the ducks out in the pond while it rained. The coop was close enough to the pond for them to find their way back, if ever.

“Let’s go, Samgyetang,” he groaned at the last hen straggling in the field, whistling to try and get her to follow. The chicken contemplated him for a second, watching him struggle with the two hens fighting in his arms, and then got up, calmly walking over to where Sienne opened the coop door, and dropped the discontent birds. Finally, with the last of them inside the coop, Sienne breathed out a sigh of relief and headed back. He was halfway across the pasture when thunder first rolled in the clouds above, a deep rumble that Sienne felt nearly in his bones.

“It’s gonna be a big one,” he mumbled to himself, raising his eyes to the grey skies and letting the occasional raindrops roll down his face.

When the wind picked up and his shirt turned damp, Sienne finally decided to move. He had a few hours to kill until he could head back out to package the milk, eggs and pickles he had working in the building by the waterside, which wasn’t too long of a trek, even in the rain. Figuring he may as well cook in his free time, he headed into the house, kicking his boots off just as the rain began to come down in earnest.

June had already curled up on the couch, thankfully dry, so Sienne did his beloved cat a favour and toppled him over for belly scratches. A few simultaneous scratches behind the ears, and June was purring louder than the thunder booming above.

The door to their bedroom was still closed, which likely meant that Sebastian was still working in his attached office, so Sienne didn’t bother him, instead heading to the kitchen to inspect the fridge. The first harvest of summer would only be due in a few days, so he only had wilting spring crops to work with, an observation that motivated him to put his back into it. There was no worse feeling than having to throw out food from his own farm just because he’d been too lazy to cook.

As rain began to pelt the windowpanes, a smooth crescendo into the storm they’d been expecting, Sienne queued a relaxing playlist on his phone and began to prepare the ingredients. The sound of the knife thumping rhythmically on the chopping board was percussion to the downpour outside, the melody of it all settling a warm ambience over the house.

It was while he seasoned the cauliflower florets that Sebastian finally gave sign of life, his footsteps suddenly thumping somewhere beyond their bedroom. Having forgotten that he wasn’t alone anymore in this big house of his, Sienne jumped a little, but settled just in time for the bedroom door to open.

Sebastian exited hastily, dressed in warm clothing and boots.

“Hi, love,” Sienne greeted idly, tossing the cauliflower florets. When he glanced back, he noticed how Sebastian’s expression flashed with surprise for a moment, as if he, too, had forgotten that he wasn’t alone in the house. “How’d your call go?”

“Oh.” Sebastian’s fists clenched at his side, as if he had been on a completely different train of thought. “It was fine. He liked what I’ve got so far, and actually listened when I made recommendations.”

“One for the books, then.” Chuckling, Sienne dropped the seasoned florets onto a baking sheet and shoved the cauliflower in the oven. “You look like you’re heading out. Sure you wanna go out in this nasty weather?”

“I… need to be alone for a little while.” It always seemed like a difficult thing for him to admit, even though Sienne had assured him time and time again that he understood. Snapping the oven mitts off, he dropped them on the counter before sliding over to his husband, throwing his arms around his shoulders in a loose embrace. Sebastian’s hands fell on his hips near instinctively, a gesture that seemed to surprise even himself.

“Be careful,” Sienne simply said, leaning in for an affectionate peck. “And don’t get sick.”

“Thanks.” The younger man sighed like he had centuries’ worth of weight on his shoulders, and that, at the very least, sparked a pang of worry in Sienne’s heart. Suddenly, he felt like he shouldn’t let him go. “I’ll be back later.”

“Okay.” One more kiss and then Sienne stepped back, watching as Sebastian etched an embarrassed but genuine smile at him. The sight of it both warmed and tugged at his heart. “See you later.”

“Love you.” Spinning around, Sebastian went for the door, throwing his hood over his head, not that it would protect him much from the downpour outside.

“Seb.” At the call of his name, he halted with his hand on the doorknob. Sienne watched his back, the way his shoulders curved inwards, and let out a sigh of his own, frustrated that he couldn’t do anything to help.

For all the ways Marlon and Gil lauded his heroic achievements and counted his triumphs in battle, he still didn’t feel like he’d succeeded in his most important fight.

“Take an umbrella, please,” he finally decided to say, watching how Sebastian’s shoulders relaxed. Wordlessly, he picked the umbrella out of the stand by the door, and then turned the knob. Immediately, the humid summer breeze whirled in, sticky and unpleasant on Sienne’s bare skin. Sebastian opened his umbrella, and stepped outside. “I love you, too.”

At least that earned him one last flash of an unreadable smile, just before the door closed, leaving Sienne standing alone in the entrance of the house. He stared at the door for a little longer, as if it held answers for him that it refused to give up, and then finally spun around with a sigh.

“Junie,” he called, glancing over at the couch where the sleepy cat was loafing. “Do you think something’s wrong with Seb?”

Getting no response from the cat, Sienne huffed and walked over, mercilessly toppling the grey tabby over and drawing an outraged mewl from him. He sat down next to him and placated him with a few belly rubs, watching as June kneaded the air.

“Hmm?” he continued, mostly to himself, burying his hand in his companion’s fur. “Am I doing something wrong? Or am I just not doing enough? It’s so hard to tell when he doesn’t say anything.”

The steady rumble of contentment that came from June was absolutely no help at all.

“Maybe I’m worried for nothing.” It was a possibility. Sebastian was a naturally introverted person, and Sienne had nearly smashed his way into his life in the year and a half since he’d moved to Pelican Town. It must not have been easy for him to adjust to a friend like that, let alone someone he’d married and shared his life with.

In his most insecure moments, Sienne never failed to wonder if they’d moved too fast. If Sebastian would’ve been more comfortable with him if they had taken their time together. In private moments, Sebastian had always been honest with him, sharing the truth behind his nightmares and confiding his childhood traumas in him, and Sienne wanted to believe that it was proof enough that their relationship was built on trust. They each still had their own secrets, of course- Sienne himself had never told Sebastian the real story of what had driven him out of the city- but when those secrets wedged a gap between them, Sienne couldn’t help but wonder if this had been a mistake.

“Loving him wasn’t a mistake.” The murmur escaped his lips, and he realized how much he needed to hear himself say it. June, too, had his wide blue eyes trained on Sienne, watching him intently as he sorted out the mess in his mind. “No… we’re okay. We’re okay, and he’s a grown-ass man. He’ll tell me if he needs my help.”

As if encouraging him, June let out a shrill meow, although Sienne suspected that his companion just wanted more pets.

“Alright, let’s get back to it.” Deciding to leave the depressing train of thought behind, Sienne scooped June off the couch and pressed the cat to his neck, burying his face in his fur. Immediately, June began to struggle to slip out of his hold, and Sienne couldn’t help but laugh into his flank. “Careful what you wish for, Junie,” he said, watching as the cat wiggled out with a few stray swipes of his claws, and jumped down to the carpet to groom himself. “It might not turn out to be what you wanted in the end.”

…-…

The rain didn’t let up, even as the afternoon turned into the evening. Sienne briefly stepped out to process the dairy and eggs as well as canning and labeling his pickle jars, a process that took him quite some time. Strolling over to the barn, he peeked in on the livestock to make sure they weren’t too spooked by the lightning, and made sure the inhabitants of the coop were all inside before closing the hutch and locking the rabbits in their separate enclosure. By the time he made it back into the house, kicking off his rain gear, it was already dinner time, and there was no sign of Sebastian having returned.

It was a long time to be standing down by the docks as he liked to do on stormy days. The worry that Sienne had buried earlier in the day poked its head out again as he noticed that the umbrella hadn’t been returned to its stand, and he turned his gaze skyward, watching lightning flash across the dark clouds.

Idly, he shot his husband a text, asking if he’d be home for dinner before heading off to prepare for it. In the twenty minutes it took him to scale, fillet and season the fish, Sebastian still hadn’t texted back.

He sent a follow-up text, and decided that if he didn’t respond in the next half-hour, he’d call him. In the meantime, leaving the food ready to be cooked in the fridge, he walked over to the couch and settled with a book in his hands to waste time.

Engrossed in the murder mystery that Elliott had recommended to him a while back, Sienne lost track of time. He snapped out of his daze when footsteps thumped heavily on the patio, and from his prone-lying position, he raised his head just in time to watch Sebastian enter through the front door, shaking his umbrella outside before closing it behind him.

“Hey, baby.” Sienne didn’t realize how relieved he was until he saw Sebastian drop the umbrella into the rack and ruffle his hair. Tucking his bookmark in and leaving the book on the coffee table, Sienne propped his chin up on his elbows, kicking his legs in the air idly while he watched Sebastian remove his boots.

“Hey.” Divesting himself of his rain-slick gear, Sebastian stepped inside, giving Sienne an unreadable look. “I just saw your texts on the way here. Sorry I didn’t answer.”

“It’s fine.” Sienne tracked him as he went for the fridge, taking a few sips from a water bottle before closing it and standing there as if at a loss of what to do next. “Did you manage to relax out there? You were gone for a long time, even by your rainy day standards.”

“Oh. Umm…” The way Sebastian looked at him said it all. Sienne’s expression fell.

“Seb… You’re really worrying me.” Honesty was all he had left at this point. “What’s going on with you?”

Instead of replying, Sebastian stepped over to him, around the coffee table, and sunk into the couch next to him.

“There’s just a lot on my mind right now,” he said, running a feather-light touch on Sienne’s bare arm. “I don’t mean to worry you.”

Turning around to lie on his back, Sienne reached out to bridge the gap and laced their fingers together in Sebastian’s lap, squeezing lightly. Looking up, he noticed how his husband’s gaze looked troubled, his hoodie damp from standing in the rain all day. The pitiful sight of him tugged at Sienne’s heartstrings.

“Please tell me how I can help,” he pleaded softly, not wanting to leave his beloved to his own demons.

“I don’t know,” Sebastian admitted, glancing down at him as if contemplating his answer. “I don’t…”

Sienne stayed quiet, letting him sort his thoughts out, and did not resist when Sebastian eventually leaned over, pressing a kiss to his lips. Their hands remained entwined, but the position was slightly awkward for Sebastian’s back, so naturally as their kisses began to deepen, he shifted to get up on the couch as well. Sienne scooted over to make space, but the Sebastian ignored it, simply throwing a leg over him to straddle his husband. The added weight of him on top of Sienne was warm and comforting, easing his worries for a moment, just long enough for him to wrap his arms around Sebastian’s neck, drawing him closer. In the newfound proximity, it was easy for Sebastian to weave his fingers tenderly through Sienne’s hair and pull him close, thumbs occasionally drawing idle circles on his cheekbones.

The rain kept pouring outside, the only sounds inside the house that of their clothes shifting and the little keens and gasps that escaped whenever one of them pulled away for breath. Sienne opened his mouth easily for Sebastian to slip in, kissing him slow and deep, pulling contented noises from the bottom of his throat as his hands left his hair and trailed down his neck. Breathlessly, Sebastian took a moment to plant kisses on Sienne’s jaw, the latter extending his neck to grant him the canvas for his art. Neither of them spoke, too busy catching their breath before the next round, though Sebastian did let out a low moan when Sienne pulled at his hair to coax him back up, biting at the spot just below his ear until it bruised. He soothed the ache with a drag of his pierced tongue on flushed skin, chuckling when a palpable shiver ran through Sebastian at the touch of smooth metal.

“You’re really into this thing, aren’t you?” Sienne teased, sticking his tongue out to expose the silver stud, one of the only remaining relics from his past life in the city. It was almost cute that Sebastian fixated on it so much every time.

“Do your really have to ask that?” Embarrassed but not deterred, Sebastian dove back in, and Sienne let him, drawing a noise of satisfaction from him by scratching his tongue over the roof of his mouth. Their pace was slow and steady- heavy but not frantic, neither of them in a hurry to get anywhere.

Still, when Sebastian’s hand inevitably trailed down to the waistband of Sienne’s sweatpants, Sienne placed a gentle but firm grip on his wrist to stop him.

“Are you okay?” It was Sebastian’s turn to look worried as Sienne pulled his hand away, lacing their fingers together to reassure him.

“Yeah.” Stealing one last kiss from his swollen lips, Sienne shimmied into a sitting position, Sebastian also scooting to let him move until he was seated in Sienne’s lap, holding his hands. He still looked worried at the sudden stop, a cute look that Sienne couldn’t help but kiss the tip of his nose affectionately for. “I’m fine, Seb. I’m just not gonna have sex with you when you’re upset.”

“I’m not…” Sebastian seemed to hesitate, although the tension did erode off his shoulders. “I’m not doing this because I’m upset.”

“I believe you, but… ” Tugging at his damp hoodie sleeve, Sienne tried to reassure him. “Look. Something happened, and I get that you don’t want to tell me about it yet, but you gotta understand my point of view, too. I’m in the dark right now, and I don’t want to misstep. So… Go take a shower. Change into something dry. If you’re still in the mood after you’ve cooled off, then that’s fine with me.”

“I’m gonna tell you, it’s just…” Sebastian let out a noise of frustration, leaning away. Sienne didn’t let him go too far, as not to let him drift away into the sea of his own insecurities. “I’m sorry. Really.”

“Don’t apologize.” In one coordinated movement, the two of them separated, standing up from the couch. Sienne stretched out and pulled him in to swipe his hair to the side and press a kiss to his forehead. “I love you. And I trust you.”

Not letting him pull away after that, Sebastian let out a sharp exhale and immediately wrapped his arms around Sienne to hold on tight, dropping his face into the crook of his neck. He held on like he would otherwise drown, and Sienne let him for as long as he needed.

They stood and swayed for a minute in silence, perfectly comfortable in one another’s embrace, and when Sebastian finally pulled away, Sienne saw it in his eyes, clear as day.

Love and gratitude, and devotion.

Later in the evening, when Sebastian ran feather-like fingers up the dip of Sienne’s arched back, when he dug his grip into his hips possessively, when he licked a stripe up his throat as he threw his head back, it was all with the same devotion in his eyes. And there was pleasure unrelated to the roll of his hips that coursed through Sienne when they made eye contact, when he saw the promise in Sebastian’s heated gaze and decided to believe in him.

Grip tight on the back of the couch, casing his husband in between his body and the cushions, Sienne rode him until the grip on his hips became painful, and Sebastian cried out a breathless warning that Sienne swallowed with his lips, like the ocean drowning a willing man. When he came, he moaned Sienne’s name, and Sienne gripped his jaw to kiss it right off his lips, where he wanted his name to belong forevermore.

It was quick work after that to finish, and before long the two of them were left boneless, leaned into each other, panting to catch their breaths.

“Sometimes, I don’t believe you’re real,” Sebastian admitted in the comfort of the afterglow, murmuring his words into the crook of Sienne’s neck as the latter leaned on his chest, eyes closed. “In the back of my mind, it always feels like I’ve done nothing to deserve you.”

“I’m not a prize to be handed out to the employee of the month,” Sienne chuckled lowly, his voice vibrating against Sebastian’s ribs. “I chose you, and you chose me. That’s all there was to it.”

“Still…” Sebastian’s hands gently caressed the dip of his back, soothing the ache that had begun to settle once he’d pulled out. “I always wonder how you ended up with someone like me.”

“I moved to Pelican Town, you basically told me to fuck off, and I fell in love.”

“Sienne.” The hand on his back halted, and Sienne pressed a lazy kiss to Sebastian’s neck as an apology.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to make fun of you.” Regretfully taking this moment to sit up and untangle himself, he made sure Sebastian was looking at him before he continued. “I know there’s a lot of stuff you’re still working through, and I just want you to remember that none of it changes what you mean to me.”

“This is what I mean,” Sebastian huffed, averting his eyes in embarrassment and drawing another amused snort out of Sienne. “I don’t deserve anyone saying things like that to me.”

“Yes, you do.” It was a firm, unquestionable statement that Sienne punctuated by cupping Sebastian’s face and turning it to look him straight in the eye. “You do deserve good things in life, and I’m gonna say it ‘till you believe it.”

Sebastian’s eyes briefly widened, as if he wasn’t expecting something like that to come out of Sienne, and then he tugged his face out of his hold to duck it out of sight, obvious blush dusting his cheeks. Sienne took that as his cue to stop being emotional, and gave him a fond smile, pressing a kiss to his hair before untangling himself and getting off the couch. Immediately, the chill of the AC in the living room hit his heated skin and he shivered, fumbling for his clothes on the floor.

“You hungry?” he asked as he pulled his underwear back on, also picking up the first hoodie that he found nearby. “I’m gonna take a second to clean up, but if you could throw some rice into the rice cooker before I’m back, I’d appreciate it.”

“Sure.” Almost mechanically, Sebastian began to pick his clothes up as well, although he stopped midway through pulling a shirt on, almost urgently turning to his husband, who was now fully dressed. “Umm… Sienne?”

“Hmm?”

“Thank you.” Sebastian was quiet for a second, chewing on his lip anxiously like he did when he didn’t know what to say next. “Really. Thanks. For everything.”

“Of course,” Sienne hummed, his heart swelling at the earnest expression on his husband’s face. He smiled to himself. “Any time,” he added, turning around to head to the bathroom. “Also, I’m taking your hoodie, so- ack!” He took one step forward and pain jolted up his spine, drawing a cry of surprise from him as he bent over, clutching at his lower back. “Oh, fuck that hurts.”

Behind him, Sebastian snorted in amusement, and when Sienne twisted to glare at him, he lapsed into full-on laughter. It was soft, it was shy, but he laughed nonetheless, and at the sight of the pleased flush on his cheeks, Sienne couldn’t even be mad.

Happiness was a good look on him.

…-…

They tucked into bed together around 10PM, unable to do much else with their evening considering the downpour still ongoing outside. Neither of them was the cuddly type, but just this once, the mood seemed right for it, and Sienne settled with his head pillowed against Sebastian’s chest, arm over his waist and legs tangled. Sebastian fell asleep first, as usual, lulled to sleep by the lazy circles that Sienne drew on his back, and Sienne soon followed, grounded by the weight of his husband’s arm over his shoulder.

Being tangled in one another, however, meant that it was exceedingly easy for Sienne to wake up when Sebastian did, stirring when the comforting weight of his body extricated itself from Sienne’s sleepy hold unexpectedly.

It was still dark out, and audibly storming, and Sebastian was clearly being careful with leaving the bed, so in his half-asleep daze, Sienne figured he was just going to the bathroom. Letting out a small noise of discontent, he turned the other way and stretched before settling back into the pillow.

For a few moments, Sebastian just fumbled with something on the bedside table, and then eventually, his weight left the bed, footsteps carefully heading off. Sienne didn’t pay it any heed, ready to fall back asleep when suddenly, the squeaking of the dresser drawers caught his attention.

“Mmm… babe…?” he called out blindly, too lethargic to do much else.

“Go to sleep, Sienne,” Sebastian rasped out, his voice betraying that he’d only just woken up as well.

“C’me back,” Sienne mumbled in response, too comfortable to move.

“In a bit.” There was the low sound of rustling clothes, as if Sebastian was being careful, and Sienne frowned, wondering if he’d just gotten cold during the night. The AC wasn’t even all that strong in their room, though, so it was surprising that Sebastian, of all people, had gotten cold. “Just sleep. I’ll be there when you wake up.”

“The hell’s that s’posed to mean…” Sienne frowned to himself, but this time, the only sound that answered him was the creaking of their bedroom door.

Sebastian did not say anything else before he left, and that was when clarity quickly began to bloom in Sienne’s tired brain.

“Seb?” he called again, sitting up this time and yawning. He stretched briefly and then glanced around the room, quickly noticing that it was empty. He couldn’t hear anything from the living room in the din of the rain pattering against the window, and the silence in itself was worrisome. “Damn it…”

Swinging his legs over the side urgently, Sienne swept his phone off the bedside table and got out of bed to hunt his husband down. A quick glance at the screen showed that it was just past 2AM, a time that honestly did not exist in a farmer’s schedule. He groaned at the exhaustion weighing down his limbs, but his worry for his husband kept him moving, exiting the room with his bare feet slapping on cold hardwood.

All traces of sleep flew out of his body at the sight of Sebastian pulling his rainboots on at the door.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Sienne blurted out, eyebrows shooting up with genuine perplexity. “Sebastian, where the hell do you think you’re going this late?”

“There’s something I have to take care of,” Sebastian replied smoothly, not even glancing his way. “Please, Sienne, go back to bed.”

“Are you insane?” he spat out, stomping towards his husband, whose behaviour had officially gone beyond troubling, to straight-up dangerous. “It’s 2AM and it’s a shitshow outside, you’re not going anywhere until you at least tell me what’s going on!”

“Leave me alone, Sie. This has nothing to do with you.”

“Stop saying that!”

As if to punctuate his exclamation, thunder boomed in the clouds above, crackling as it faded.

“Why are you always leaving me out of things like this?” he asked, desperate for an answer. The living room seemed a million times colder all of a sudden, and he hugged himself if only to keep himself together. In the faint light of the entrance, Sebastian looked at him, eyes sad and conflicted. “I’m your husband, Sebastian. Why don’t you see how much you’re scaring me?”

“I just don’t want you to get involved,” Sebastian gritted out, visibly uncomfortable. “This isn’t something I want to bring into our life together, okay?”

“See how well that worked out, considering I’m getting more and more anxious about you with every passing day,” Sienne huffed a little bitterly, crossing his arms. “Sebastian, please. Please at least tell me what’s going on.” His anger deflated as he watched the conflict dance in his husband’s expression, dejection taking its place gradually. “You know I’m on your side, so please at least just… don’t shut me out.”

“It’s…” Sighing, Sebastian ran a hand through his hair, and Sienne held his breath as he at least seemed to consider his words.

Finally, Sebastian swallowed heavily and pulled his phone out. He flashed the screen towards Sienne- the background a picture of Sienne and June together on the patio- showing four new incoming texts. Before Sienne could get close enough to read them, he put the phone in his pocket and averted his eyes, seemingly struggling to find his words.

“It’s my father,” he finally said, and Sienne felt like he’d been punched in the gut. “Not… Not Demetrius, my…”

“Your biological deadbeat of a dad?” Sienne completed, his throat tight. “Are you okay? What’s going on? Is he threatening you? How did he find your contact?”

“Sienne, stop.” At the order, he did stop, zipping his mouth shut as Sebastian visibly struggled to explain. “I don’t know how he got my number. He’s been texting me for about a week now. I blocked him, but he keeps finding new ways to contact me. I was just gonna ignore him and change my number, but since a couple of days, he’s been… saying things…”

“Oh Yoba, I’ll go get Mayor Lewis,” Sienne interrupted, anxiety thrumming right underneath his skin. “I’ve got dirt on him, I’ll get him to involve the regional police-”

“No!” Again, the tightness of Sebastian’s voice stopped Sienne midway through his anxious rambling, and he was left to watch Sebastian squirm uncomfortably. “Sie… I don’t want the police involved right now. It’s really not that bad, honest, it’s just… I just don’t know what to do about it.”

“He’s not…” A shiver ran down Sienne’s spine. “He’s not here, is he?”

“No, he’s…” Again, Sebastian cut himself off, biting his lip. “Doesn’t matter. I just really need to go see my mom right now. I know it’s insane, I know I could just call her, but I really…”

“Okay.” There really wasn’t anything Sienne could say to that. He would never fully understand what Sebastian was feeling, but he could understand enough of it to know that this was what he needed at that moment. “Okay, Sebby. I get it.”

“You… do?” It should have been offensive how surprised Sebastian looked, but Sienne was too busy trying not to freak out to care.

“Yeah. Not totally, but… I get how you’re feeling, and if you need to talk to your mother right now, then I won’t stop you.” He admitted this between gritted teeth, but admitted it, nonetheless. Sebastian was a grown-ass man, he reminded himself, and his husband, whom he’d decided to trust. His trust didn’t come with conditions, he reminded himself. “Just give me a second to get dressed.”

“Sienne…?”

“If you thought I’d let you trek up in the mountains in this weather by yourself, then you’re actually deluded,” Sienne continued tensely, turning around to head back to their room for some pants. “I’ll walk you at least halfway.”

Sebastian didn’t say anything in response, and Sienne entered their bedroom to get dressed, taking his moment by himself to press the heel of his palms to his eyes until he saw stars. A headache was tugging at his temples, anxiety and insecurity mixing into something explosive that made all his hairs stand on end. He had a terrible feeling about all of this, especially since Sebastian clearly hadn’t told him the whole truth, but again and again, he repeated to himself like a mantra that he just had to trust in his husband above all else.

He had to trust Sebastian, and follow him wherever he went.

Once he was dressed, he stepped back out, glad to note that Sebastian had waited for him. Wordlessly, he pulled his boots on and picked both umbrellas out of the stand, handing one to his husband, who accepted it rather solemnly.

“Let’s go,” was all he said before he threw the front door open, a cold breeze immediately hitting him in the face. It wasn’t too windy despite the heavy rain, so he opened his umbrella first and waited for Sebastian to join him.

The walk was silent except for the squelching of their boots in the mud. Thankfully, the backwoods had a clear, paved path that they could follow up into the mountains, which made things much less perilous than they could’ve been, simply trekking through the forest. In conditions where they had to use their cellphone lights to guide their steps, it would’ve been a nightmare.

Once in a while, Sienne heard Sebastian’s phone vibrate, and wondered if it was another text from his father- or perhaps his mother- incoming. Sebastian never looked down at his screen, eyes trained forward, and lips pursed together, keeping his secrets to the very end. At that moment, Sienne simultaneously loved and resented him for his secrecy.

He wanted to believe that it had nothing to do with him, but all things considered, he simply couldn’t help but feel like he just wasn’t good enough. Insecurity weighed heavier and heavier on the back of his mind- a man so inadequate that even his own husband didn’t dare lean on him in his time of need.

He wasn’t sure how else he was supposed to interpret the situation, the more it went on.

“I’ll go on my own from here,” Sebastian finally announced when they reached the end of the trail. It would be another fifteen minutes to Robin’s cottage, but Sebastian knew these parts of the woods like the back of his hand, so there was no reason to go any further.

“Sure?” Sienne couldn’t help but ask, feeling his voice tighten again.

“Yeah. You should get back, too.”

“Yeah.”

Silence fell between them as they stood still, raindrops crashing loudly upon their umbrellas as neither of them made any move to leave. Sebastian’s phone buzzed in his pocket again, and for some odd reason, the sound of it brought tears to Sienne’s eyes.

“Please be careful,” he finally said, ducking his head. He was never really one to cry, his difficult past in the city having steeled him for most hardships, but in this vulnerable moment, socks wet and standing in the woods in the dead of the night by the side of the traumatized man he loved so much, he couldn’t help but feel his heart squeeze. “I… I lo-”

“I love you,” Sebastian beat him to the punch, swallowing heavily. “And I don’t deserve you, nor all the things you do for me. I’m sorry, Sienne. I’m sorry, and thank you.”

“Idiot.” The grip on his heart twisted, and Sienne suddenly felt nearly nauseous with anxiety. He stepped under Sebastian’s umbrella and was so relieved to feel his free arm around his waist almost immediately. Squeezing him tightly, he hoped that his actions, in lieu of his words, could prove just how much he meant to him. “I’d do anything for you.”

Sebastian didn’t respond, but Sienne didn’t need him to. The vice-like grip around his waist was an answer enough, and though he wanted this moment to last forever, he also knew that he had to let him go.

“Okay,” he finally said, drawing away and stepping back under his own umbrella. “Go do what you need to do. And stay at your mom’s tonight, don’t try to come back down the mountain while it’s still dark, okay?”

“Yeah.” Sebastian nodded numbly at the suggestion. “I’ll, uhh… I’ll see you.”

“Be safe,” Sienne murmured once again as they parted, and stood in place until Sebastian disappeared beyond the curtain of rain.

Once he was alone once more, Sienne took a deep, shuddering breath and turned around to walk back down the mountain. By the time he made it back, it was just past 3AM, and Sienne could already feel the heaviness of exhaustion settling in his bones. His body didn’t do well staying up this late now that he’d adjusted to the farm life schedule, so when he arrived home, he immediately crashed, barely even removing his damp clothes before falling into bed.

Still, even as his eyelids tugged and his limbs sunk into the mattress, his brain still stayed switched on. Every moment he wasn’t worrying about Sebastian, he was wondering if he was doing something wrong. The insecurity and the fear of the unknown kept his brain working even when his body begged to sleep, and when it became obvious that he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep in an empty bed, Sienne got up and relocated to the living room couch.

It took him a cup of tea and another thirty minutes, but eventually, before the turn of the hour, he passed out on the couch, June curled up warmly against his stomach and his heart hanging heavy somewhere in his chest.

…-…

When he woke, it wasn’t to the crow of the rooster, but to the ringing of his phone. Groaning, he turned over and nearly fell off the couch fumbling for his phone on the table, idly noting that he’d slept in. It was almost 9AM, as he’d forgotten to set his alarm while the rooster slept in on yet another rainy day, which meant that he was already way behind on his routine.

Oddly enough, the next thing he noticed was that Robin was the one calling him.

“H’llo?” he yawned into the receiver as soon as he picked up, pushing himself into a sitting position and hating how every single one of his bones protested. Exhaustion, stress, and a night on the couch didn’t make for a fantastic mix.

“Good morning, Sienne.” To her credit, Robin didn’t comment on the fact that he’d clearly only just woken up. She sounded terrible, too, though, weary, her voice scratching slightly as if she’s used it too much over the night. “How are you?”

“Been better,” he admitted, getting up and stretching. “Are you guys okay, though? Seb really freaked me out last night with this whole thing with his father.”

“Oh, he told you?” Robin sounded genuinely surprised, which irritated Sienne for some reason.

“I’m his husband. I sure hope he would.”

“Sorry. I didn’t mean it like that,” Robin sighed. “I know Sebby’s tight-lipped about this, but it’s because he’s scared. My ex-husband… he’s not a good person. And Sebastian… well, he’s spent a large part of his life with him, so even after all this time, there’s still a lot of baggage there.”

“Really?” This had Sienne genuinely confused. “I thought you and Sebastian moved to the valley when he was a kid. I didn’t know he’d lived with him longer than that.”

“It’s complicated.” As all things were, as it seemed. “It’s probably not something Sebby would want me to talk about, anyway. I called you for something else.”

“What’s up?” Sienne asked, giving up on pursuing more information about Sebastian's cryptic past for now.

“Sebastian forgot his phone here when he left this morning. He was quite a mess- it’s been a rough night for us- so he probably just forgot to pick it up, but I just wanted you to let him know, in case he wonders where it is.”

“Oh?” At the mention of Sebastian, Sienne perked up, jamming the phone between his shoulder and ear in order to brew a pot of coffee. “He left? I don’t think he’s here.”

“Really?”

“I feel like he would’ve woken me up if he came in.” A quick glance at the entrance cleared all doubt- only Sienne’s umbrella and shoes were in the rack. “Nope. He’s not back yet. What time did he leave?”

“Maybe… an hour ago?”

“Oh.”

There was a lull of silence between the two of them as the news sunk in.

“Sienne…”

“He’s probably down by the docks,” Sienne rushed to answer before Robin could voice her anxieties, clear as day in her tone. “On rainy days, he likes to watch the ocean by himself. I’ll go get him.”

“Okay, thanks.” Robin still sounded frazzled and concerned, but Sienne refused to let it rub off on him. Sebastian went down to the docks all the time. This time would be no different. “I’m sorry to lay this on you, Sienne. I know he’s not your responsibility, but…”

“He is, though.” Like mother like son, he supposed, although it was clearly for all the wrong reasons. “He’s my husband, and I vowed to take care of him no matter what. Don’t worry. I’ll bring him back safe and sound in no time.”

“You’re a good man, Sienne.” Robin’s voice cracked midway, strangled as if she was about to cry, something that Sienne never expected from his strong-natured mother-in-law. “I’m glad Sebastian has you.”

“Any time,” he said, and meant it. “Alright, I’d better go get him. I’ll let you know how it goes.”

“Thank you. Let me know if I can do anything for you, okay?”

“Yeah. Will do.”

Without wasting another moment, Sienne hung up, and it was only in the privacy of solitude that he allowed himself a heavy sigh, already feeling his shoulders cave with the pressure of expectation set upon him.

Robin was counting on him. And whether or not he knew it, Sebastian was counting on him, too.

With that thought in mind, he got dressed to go and bring him home.

He threw a raincoat on this time around, shoving a thermos full of coffee in the front pocket for the walk down to the beach. If any of it was left by the time he got there, he knew that Sebastian would also appreciate the pick-me-up. He then grabbed his boots and umbrella, already sick and tired of the rain. He missed the sunshine and the idyllic summer days, the haze of heat and honey in the air stifling his senses. Summer thunderstorms were nothing like fall showers; hot, heavy, humid, and stifling in all the wrong ways.

Hoping for more good days ahead, he popped his umbrella open and stepped outside.

The walk to the beach was about a half-hour long, the longest part of it being the descent from the mountainside. His farm was located on a plateau at a slight altitude compared to the town, which made for beautiful sunrises, but also a significant hike back up every day. Once he arrived in town, though, deserted in light of the terrible weather, the beach was only ten minutes away.

As soon as his feet sunk into sand, he knew he’d found Sebastian.

Beyond the veil of rain coming down in sheets, the ocean raged, waters black and troubled as they crashed against shore. On the left hand, Willy’s cabin stood tall and lonely, braving the furor of the waves on its own. And on the right, the dock extended several dozen feet into the ocean, at the tip of which stood one lonely figure, veiled in black.

Only one person would be out like this in this weather, and Sienne was here for him, and him only.

“Good grief, Seb…” he sighed, bracing himself against a gust of wind that nearly overturned his umbrella. By the waterside, the storm was more violent, the raindrops whipping fruitlessly against Sienne’s raincoat as he walked towards the dock. His boots sunk in the wet sand, each step an extra effort to carry him forward, almost as if the land tried to keep him there, far away from the murky, angry water.

Sienne persisted, though, until his feet hit the first wooden step up the elevated dock.

He approached slowly, the old planks slick with rain and causing his rubber boots to squeak with each step. Sebastian didn’t react to his approach, although by halfway, there was no doubt that he’d heard the thump of Sienne’s footsteps on wood, regardless of the roar of the storm around them.

“Sebastian,” Sienne called out, immediately frowning when he realized that his husband didn’t have his umbrella with him. Bad habit. “You’re soaked. If you catch a cold, it’s on you.”

At the sound of his voice, Sebastian finally reacted, tensing visibly. It was an odd reaction, and Sienne halted about six feet away, feeling like he was missing something.

“Seb?” he called again, his frown deepening when his husband didn’t answer, despite clearly having heard him. Beyond irritation at being ignored, Sienne suddenly felt nervous. “Sebastian… are you okay?” Still no answer. It was eerie, if nothing else. “It’s me. I’m here to take you home.”

“Sienne…?” Finally, his name left Sebastian’s lips in a shaky whisper that Sienne nearly lost on the wind. The younger man looked small like this, and when he turned around, Sienne noted how his soaked clothes hung off of him like they were three sizes too big. He visibly shivered and swayed with each blow of the wind, eyes wide and gaze distant as if he didn’t even register his surroundings.

He’d been out here for over an hour, and that thought didn’t reassure him in the slightest.

“Good Yoba, Sebastian,” he said, his chest tightening with the urgent need to wrap him up and hold him tight. “Let’s get you inside. This has gone on long enough.”

“I just want it to stop,” Sebastian replied, his voice rasping and his eyes not meeting Sienne’s, as if he wasn’t even having the same conversation. “I don’t want to think about it anymore.”

“Hey, it’s fine, we don’t have to talk about it right away,” Sienne reassured him, taking another step forward. His boot thumped loudly on the dock, and Sebastian flinched at the sound. Sienne’s heart clenched when his hands flew up over his ears, as if that single sound had been too much.

“I can’t do it,” he said, shaking his head. “It’s too much, I just want it to stop.”

“Come here, my love,” Sienne called out, and when his voice broke, he realized that it was a plea. “Come here.”

He took another step forward, and Sebastian took a stumbling step back.

When his heel hit thin air over the edge of the dock, he looked down at his feet, watching himself teeter on the edge, quiet, contemplative.

Dread swelled inside of Sienne like the crescendo of an orchestra on its final piece, and he dropped his umbrella to dart forward with both hands out for something just out of reach.

“Sebastian!”

And Sebastian let himself fall backwards.

His body hit the waves quietly in comparison to the storm howling around them. The dark water swallowed him up indiscriminately, and though Sienne knew he was screaming his name, he couldn’t hear anything past the thump of his own heartbeat in his ears.

Breathless, as if he was the one drowning, Sienne felt himself tremble, panic overcoming him and blanking out all rational thought for a moment. In that moment, he could only hear himself screaming, unsure if it was even his own voice he heard.

And then, reality rushed back to him like the pelt of raindrops against his face, and Sienne glanced to the side to the life buoy that Willy kept on all ends of each dock. It was covered in spider webs and algae from disuse, but he didn’t hesitate in grabbing it and tossing it into the water, tugging several hasty knots of the rope around his waist. He only hesitated for a second- rational thought reminding him that jumping into a stormy ocean was actually a horrible idea- and then, he was in the air.

He hit the water feet first, and the dive sent him down far enough for his feet to hit the sandy bottom. They weren’t all that deep after all, which was a blessing in disguise. When Sienne cracked his eyes open, though, the saltwater stung, and the cold darkness around him kept him from seeing anything useful. Down here, lost under the waves, he heard absolutely nothing, and the terror of isolation gripped his heart so harshly that he choked.

Before he could swallow too much water, he pushed his feet on the bottom and propelled himself to the surface. His rain boots filled up with water as he rose, bogging him down, so he kicked them right off and let them float away.

Breaking the surface, he took a large breath, tugging on the rope to bring the buoy closer until he could hang off of it.

“Sebastian!” he called out, coughing when saltwater made it into his mouth. “Seb!”

“Sienne!”

The sound of his name on the wind came from familiar lips, and Sienne’s heart leapt in his throat with the sheer relief of hearing it, halfway convinced that he’d already lost that opportunity for good. Morose thoughts aside, he urgently glanced around, kicking his feet to swim in a circle and survey the surroundings. There wasn’t much to see beyond the violent waves all around, although at the second desperate call of his name, Sienne’s attention went back to the dock.

There, desperately clinging to one of the slippery wooden pillars, Sebastian was frantically glancing his way, and Sienne was glad to note that clarity had returned to them once again.

“Thank Yoba,” Sienne said to himself, not a believer until this very moment, throwing the buoy over his head before he started kicking towards his husband. The waves dragged him back and forth at their whimsy, and despite the exhaustion accumulating with each stroke, Sienne kept swimming, if only because he couldn’t let it end like this.

There was so much expectation riding on his shoulders, and so much disappointment in himself if he let Sebastian down. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if they didn’t both make it out of this safe and sound, just as he’d promised.

It was that thought that kept him fighting against the waves, advancing slowly but surely. Sebastian seemed to be tiring, too, not finding much purchase on the algae-slick dock and using up most of his energy to keep his head above water. Every time a particularly high wave took him under, Sienne’s heart skipped a beat, only to start beating again when he resurfaced for greedy gulps of air.

It felt like a lifetime before he was close enough to reach out towards him.

“Seb, take my hand!” he called out, watching how Sebastian shook and trembled weakly. He seemed to be hesitating to let go of the dock, understandable since he needed both hands to find any kind of grip on the wood, but Sienne couldn’t help him if he didn’t bridge the distance between them.

He was reaching out. He just needed Sebastian to do the same.

And against all odds, he did.

The relief that Sienne felt when Sebastian threw his hand out was immeasurable. They missed each other courtesy of an ill-timed wave, but just as Sebastian slipped under the murky waters, Sienne caught his hand tightly enough to bruise and pulled him in.

Sebastian broke the surface gasping and clinging to him for dear life, freezing, exhausted and dead weight against him.

“I’m so-sorry,” he cried, teeth clattering, and voice muffled by the howling of the wind. “I’m sorry, I d-don’t know why- I’m sorry.”

“We have to get to shore,” Sienne replied, unwilling to unpack all the emotions bubbling in his chest now that Sebastian was back in his arms. He squeezed him tightly, pressing a fierce kiss to his sopping hair and tasting nothing but salt, and once he felt reassured enough, he let one arm fall into the water. Sebastian clung tighter to him in response, but Sienne placated him with another kiss to his temple.

“Don’t let-t g-go,” the younger man pleaded, as if Sienne would ever consider something like that in any lifetime of his, and Sienne kicked forward to start moving as reassurance.

“I’m not letting go,” he promised fiercely. “But I need my arms to swim. Can you hold on tight to the buoy instead?”

“To what?”

“The buoy!” Sienne raised his tone above the crash of the waves, painstakingly propelling himself forward an inch at a time with the added weight. “Hold onto the buoy!”

“O-Okay.” Hesitantly once again, Sebastian took his arms off of Sienne’s neck and grabbed one of the rope loops on the buoy instead, kicking to try and help as well.

It wasn’t easy to swim against the currents, despite being two at it, and the shore seemed to be getting further and further away the more they advanced. The dock was too high up for them to climb onto it, even if they had the energy necessary for such a feat, so they had no choice but to swim. Neither of them spoke anymore, although when the chill finally soaked into their bones, the loud clattering of their teeth accompanied their advance like a war drum. The tips of Sienne’s fingers were freezing, nevermind his bare toes, and his raincoat had become so waterlogged and heavy that he had half a mind to halt and take it off.

He didn’t want to waste another second, however, instead focusing on making incremental progress towards shore.

Eventually, just as Sienne was thinking that it was hopeless, his socked toes brushed the mud at the bottom of the water and his heart jumped with newfound relief.

“We’re almost there, Sebby,” he promised breathlessly, glad to hear a little noise of acknowledgment from the boy hanging off the buoy. “Almost there.”

He kicked a little more until his toes curled around a rock, and from there it was a little easier to find purchase on the sand and use his arms to leverage against the backwards pull of the water. Soon, Sebastian had his feet in the mud, too, and the two of them could focus on walking out of the ocean trying to suck them back in.

First, their shoulders came out of the water, and then their chests, waists and hips. By the time only their calves were left submerged, they were ready to collapse, something that Sienne surprised himself by doing only once he was completely out of the water, and several feet away on the beach.

He’d held out for so much longer than he’d expected, and he mentally patted himself on the back before his knees gave in and he crashed into the wet sand.

“Sienne,” Sebastian called out weakly, similarly fallen to his knees, crawling over to touch his face.

“I’m fine,” Sienne assured him breathlessly, his chest aching with how hard it worked to recover. “Just catching my breath.”

“I’m sorry,” Sebastian continued, his voice breaking.

“Why the hell would you do something like that!?” Sienne didn’t mean to sound harsh, but as soon as the words left his chest, he felt it tighten again. “Sebastian, I was right there, why would you-” His voice caught in his throat and he pushed himself into a sitting position, hands clenching into fists in the sand. “Why did you do that?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what happened to me, I don’t know why I did it, I just-” Sebastian’s teeth clattered and a violent shiver rocked his body, making him double over to conserve his body heat. Before he could think about it, Sienne whipped his raincoat off and pulled it around his freezing husband’s shoulders, putting the hood up. Although the inner lining was completely wet, it at least would shield him from the rain still coming down.

“You almost died.” Saying it out loud made the realization sink in. Sienne watched Sebastian pull the raincoat tighter around him, face wet with rain and tears, and the emotions finally overflowed like water flooding over a dam. “You almost drowned, Sebastian, and it wasn’t an accident.” His expression had been lost and scared but he’d looked down at his feet. He’d known. “You didn’t slip, you didn’t faint, you-” Sienne’s voice choked off into a sob that he muffled behind his hand desperately. “You stepped off. You stepped off, you tried to- Why would you do that, Seb?”

“I didn’t-” A whimper escaped Sebastian’s lips as he tightened his grip on the raincoat. His eyes were wide and desperate when he looked up at Sienne through the sheets of rain between them. “I didn’t mean it-”

“You didn’t mean it!?” It wasn’t something Sienne wanted to hear. In the back of his mind, there was a memory itching and scratching until it reopened parts of him long scabbed over. “You tried to kill yourself, and you’re saying you didn’t mean it!?” He knew what it was like to stand on the edge. He knew what it was like to drown. He knew what it was like to feel lonely enough to get there.

He’d been there all along. He didn’t want to believe that Sebastian ever felt desperate enough around him to get to that point of no return.

He didn’t want to believe that he hadn’t been enough to save the man he loved.

“Answer me!”

Lighting crashed down over the furious ocean waters, loud and mercilessly illuminating the frustration twisted in Sienne’s features. Sebastian was looking straight at him, Sienne knew he could tell how upset he was, and yet he still hesitated to speak.

“I just wanted it to stop for just a second,” he finally said, wiping water away from his eyes. With the hood shielding him from the rain, it became obvious that he was crying. Sienne had never seen him cry, despite everything. There was a terrible clenching in his gut at the sight of his expression. “There was just so much in my head, and then you came along and my thoughts started screaming, it was so loud, I just wanted-”

“So instead of talking to me, you tried to drown yourself?” Sienne completed, gritting his teeth. “Are you serious!? From the very beginning, I told you over and over that I would- That I wanted to-” The words didn’t come as his own tears surfaced, lost to the rain. Frustration lit a fire in his blood until it began to bubble in his veins. “Why won’t you talk to me? What am I doing wrong!?”

“It’s not about you!” Sebastian bit out, another crack of lightning highlighting the hysteria in his features.

“It’s never about me, even when it should be!” Sienne retorted, perhaps a little bitterly. “Your problems are mine, too, so why do you keep pushing me away until things like this happen?”

“I didn’t want you to see me like this, okay!?”

“So you’d prefer I saw you at your open-casket!?” The realization of their close call hit Sienne once again and he let out a sob, surging forward to grab onto Sebastian’s shoulders- for support, out of frustration, to shake some sense into him, he didn’t know. His grip slipped on the slick fabric and his arms shook with exertion, exhaustion finally hitting him like a punch to the gut that took his breath away. He hung his head, hanging off Sebastian for dear life, not even knowing what he wanted from him anymore.

It wouldn’t matter. Sebastian wouldn’t tell him anything anyway.

“I trusted you.”

It was the truth. Thunder rolled in the sky above like a warning, and Sienne felt it like tension in his limbs and pressure in his head.

“I trusted you,” he repeated, his voice breaking. He glanced back up, and the sight of Sebastian’s averted eyes sent anger surging through him. He wouldn’t even refute the accusation. “I looked you in the eye a dozen times and told you I trusted you to tell me before things got this bad, and you-” The noise that interrupted him wasn’t even a sob this time, but an incredulous laugh. Exhaustion, cold, tension, anxiety, frustration, desperation, terror- everything shone through in that single sound, the laughter of a man whose life was crumbling apart. “It didn’t matter, did it?”

Sebastian had no response. Somehow, his silence was worse than anything he could ever have said.

Something broke, and Sienne twisted his grip in the raincoat, shaking his shoulders.

“It never mattered that I trusted you, did it?” he pressed, close enough to see the way Sebastian winced at the accusation. “You always intended to push me away, right? Isn’t that it?”

There was still no answer, and when Sebastian risked a glance over his way, Sienne noted how his expression seemed resigned.

He hadn’t said a single word to explain, and he wasn’t even trying.

Sienne had fallen in love with a man who wouldn’t fight for them the way Sienne so desperately tried to do.

“Please just say something,” he begged, shaking him again, fingernails hurting from the tension of his grip. Thunder rolled above, warning the imminent arrival of another bolt of lightning. Warning, warning. “Damn it, Sebastian, damn it, just-”

Sebastian just looked at him, lips pursed and sewn shut, waiting and resigned.

Sienne didn’t think. It was all too much. He didn’t think, letting go of the coat to raise his hand in the air instead.

“Say something, damn it!”

Lightning crashed down to the ground nearby, and it illuminated the curve of his palm, raised and tensed and ready to strike.

And in the same harsh light, Sienne saw the way Sebastian’s eyes widened, the way his body flinched before his shoulders froze and caved, anticipating- bracing-

It was all a split-second’s worth, but it was enough.

The light dissipated, plunging them back into grey obscurity, and Sienne let go of Sebastian like he’d been burned.

“Oh gods, oh Yoba.”

Nausea slammed into him like a tidal wave, and he fell back, sand scratching his hands as he scooted frantically to put some distance between them.

Even in the darkness, he saw alarm etched on Sebastian’s face, but he couldn’t focus on it. His heart was thundering against his ribs, realization of what he’d almost done sinking like lead in his gut, stealing his voice and threatening to make him sick.

“Sie…?” Sebastian called tentatively, clearly shaken by the sudden dissipation of the tension, replaced by sheer thrumming anxiety between them. “Sie, what’s-”

“I’m sorry,” Sienne blurted out, his throat tying into knots at the sound of his own words. “I’m sorry, Seb, I didn’t- oh Yoba, I- I almost-”

“It’s fine,” Sebastian hastily assured him, seeming to understand what Sienne was panicking about. “Sie, it’s fine, I know you wouldn’t.”

“I was gonna.” Sienne clutched the neck of his shirt when his chest tightened, almost wishing he could strangle himself and be done with it. “I was gonna, Seb, I was gonna- oh gods above, I was gonna hit you, I-”

“Sienne!” Interrupting his panicked rambling, Sebastian reached out, awkwardly slipping his sleeves into the coat so it would stay on while he moved. “It’s fine, Sienne. I’m okay, I’m not hurt. You didn’t hurt me.”

“I could’ve.” Disbelief overrode his sorrow, so he couldn’t even muster the sobs that were festering in his lungs. “I could’ve, and I would’ve been no better than…”

“Don’t say that!” That seemed to spark something in Sebastian’s expression, finally, something fierce and protective and angry. “Don’t you ever compare yourself to him. Never.”

“I’m sorry.” It was all he could say in response, numb. “I’m sorry, Sebastian, I fucked up.”

“You didn’t, it’s not… Nothing happened, Sienne. It’s okay.” Letting out a sigh, Sebastian seemed at a loss of what to do, both of them close but neither of them touching just yet, perhaps both afraid of something different, but similar. “Look… let’s just get out of the rain. We shouldn’t be talking about this out here.”

“Yeah.” It was at least one thing Sienne could agree on right now, his brain too frazzled to make much more sense of anything else. A massive headache squeezed his temples so hard that he couldn’t even think anymore. He didn’t wait to see if Sebastian would offer him a hand or not, pushing himself up to his shaky feet and trying not to trip in the shifting sand. He wasn’t sure he could touch him in good conscience for now. “Umm… we should head for Dr. Harvey’s. I… don’t think we’ll make the hike up to the farm like this.”

“… sure.” Sebastian seemed reluctant to let someone else see them in their current condition, much less explain how they got there, but he didn’t fight Sienne’s sensible suggestion. Pushing himself to his feet as well, he stumbled, and out of pure reflex, Sienne surged forward to catch him by the arm.

He touched him, and the split-second memory of Sebastian’s terrified face flashed in front of his eyes.

Feeling sick all over again, Sienne immediately let go, leaving Sebastian to throw him a concerned glance. It must have shown on his face because his husband’s features softened into sadness.

“We should go,” he murmured, so low that Sienne nearly missed it. Instead, he swallowed heavily and walked off, knowing Sebastian would follow.

What he didn’t expect, however, was for Sebastian to jog to catch up, and grab his hand. Shivers ran up Sienne’s arm at the touch, and his immediate reaction was to pull away, but Sebastian held on tightly. When he glanced back, Sebastian wouldn’t meet his eyes, insecurity and guilt plainly displayed on his face, but he did squeeze tighter, so Sienne had no choice but to let him.

“Umm… where are your shoes?” he asked as they walked towards the beach entrance, staying close to hear one another over the rain.

“Lost ‘em in the water. They were heavy,” Sienne answered, aware of the squelching of sand beneath his drenched socks. “It’s fine. I wanted to buy new rainboots anyway.”

“I’m sorry,” was all Sebastian could offer, and although it was the right thing to say, somehow it just wasn’t enough.

“Yeah.” Sienne was no better off. “Me, too.” That, too, simply was not enough.

But they had nothing left to say to each other. Even though they held hands all the way to the clinic, Sienne felt like a canyon had been gouged in the earth between them, each left staring, standing on either side.

…-…

Harvey ushered them into the back of the clinic nearly as soon as they stumbled in, dragging water behind them and shivering visibly. They took the adjacent beds behind the dividers, and as soon as Harvey was done fussing over their immediate drowned-rat appearances, he left them behind the dividers to get changed into hospital gowns. Sienne was very glad to peel off all the sticky clothes from his skin, dry off at least a little, and then huddle underneath the blankets while he waited for his teeth to stop chittering.

Across from him, Sebastian seemed just as relieved, doing the very same and almost jumping under the covers. He kept shifting, trying to create friction and warmth for his frozen extremities, and Sienne only watched him go at it in silence. Sebastian had been out in the rain for an hour before Sienne had gotten to him, so if anyone was to get sick, it would be him.

“I’m coming in,” Harvey announced briefly before entering past the dividers to take a look at his patients. “Good, you’ve settled. I’ll take your vital signs while you tell me what happened, alright?”

“Just a minor accident,” Sienne volunteered, noticing the nervous look that his husband was throwing him from behind Dr. Harvey’s back when the man leaned over to take his temperature. He waited for the probe to beep before continuing while he wrapped the blood pressure cuff around his arm. “Seb and I were just… watching the ocean by the docks and I slipped on a wet plank and fell into the water. He jumped in to get me.”

“Good grief,” Harvey sighed, finishing with Sienne’s remaining vital signs to turn to Sebastian. “That was very dangerous, you two. You easily could have drowned in this weather.”

“Yeah. We know,” Sebastian muttered gruffly, although there was underlying guilt to his tone.

“It’s good that you’re both unharmed, but Sebastian, you really shouldn’t have gone after Sienne,” Harvey explained, not unkindly as he took Sebastian’s temperature. “The ocean is much too dangerous, even for expert swimmers. It’s better to just throw the buoy and call for help. Jumping in after him could’ve hurt you, too.”

“I know, I know,” Sebastian repeated, glancing across at Sienne, who gave him a shaky smile. “I’m sorry.”

“The important thing is that neither of you is badly injured.” Although the apology wasn’t truly meant for Harvey, he seemed to accept it and moved on. “In both of your cases, your body temperature has fallen into the range of mild hypothermia, which can stress the heart. I recommend that you stay here and rest until you warm up a little. I’ll bring you some more blankets when I step out.”

“I have to get back to the farm, though,” Sienne protested softly, insecure. “The chickens weren’t fed today and I have to switch out the old hay in the barn, at the very least.”

“You’re in no shape to be doing any type of labour at the moment,” Dr. Harvey frowned, firm when it came to professional matters despite being weaker-willed in most other instances. “As your doctor, I firmly discourage you leaving the clinic anytime soon.”

That didn’t sit right with Sienne. Not only would all his work pile up with even a single day off, but he also dreaded having to stay in a room alone with Sebastian at the moment. He wouldn’t know what to say.

“But there’s so much I have to do,” he continued. “Farm work is not something I can take a sick day from.”

“Sie, just listen to him, please.” Strangely enough, it was Sebastian who piped up to shoot him down. Harvey actually seemed quite relieved not to have to keep the peace, which worked in his favour because Sienne had no intention of picking a fight with Sebastian. Not the way things were now, after the disastrous conversation they just had.

“Fine.” He didn’t like it, but he complied, pulling the hospital-grade blanket up around his shoulders. “Can we go back once we’ve warmed up, then?”

“Sure. I’ll take a blood test to make sure that all the salt water you likely swallowed didn’t throw your electrolytes off, and then you can go. I’ll wash and dry your clothes while you warm up, too.”

“Thanks, Doc,” Sienne hummed, not entirely happy with the decision, but understanding why it was necessary. Sebastian and he had almost drowned not even half an hour ago. He couldn’t be blasé about it.

“Thanks, Dr. Harvey,” Sebastian parroted, visibly displeased as well, but compliant for the same reason.

“Alright, I’ll bring you some more blankets, and then go take care of your clothes,” Harvey said, not totally aware of the room, but just enough to know that it was his time to go. Perhaps it was the way Sebastian intently stared at Sienne, or the way Sienne decided to avoid his gaze, but whatever it was, he was gone within the moment.

“Sie,” Sebastian called after a few seconds of silence, turning on his side to face Sienne in the opposite bed. Sienne bit his lip, glancing away, unable to meet his eyes out of shame. “Come on, Sienne. Can you look at me?”

“I don’t want to talk right now, Seb.” He didn’t know what to say, what he _could_ say in regard to what happened. “I’m tired.”

“I’m sorry,” Sebastian continued regardless. “I know I messed up. I should’ve told you about my father sooner before it got this bad.”

“Seb, I said I didn’t want to talk right now.”

“I panicked, alright? It was never about wanting to die.” Sienne visibly flinched at that. “I panicked, and I wasn’t thinking straight, and I didn’t realize what I was doing ‘till it was done.”

“I get it,” Sienne interjected before he could continue. “I wanna talk about it, but just… not now. I can’t do this right now.”

“I’m not mad at you.” Changing his angle, Sebastian pressed on, perhaps with a bit more desperation colouring his tone than before. Sienne appreciated the sentiment, but he was just too tired at the moment. His headache still squeezed his brain and kept him from formulating coherent thoughts. There was so much he wanted to say that he simply didn’t know where to start.

“You should be,” he muttered, pulling the blankets up to his chin. “I almost hit you.”

“But you didn’t,” Sebastian assured him, though his voice also audibly shook. “Sienne, you didn’t hurt me. And really, I know I was asking for it, but you didn’t-”

“You weren’t asking for it!” Something like terror and sorrow punched straight through Sienne’s heart, and he clenched his eyes shut, feeling tears burning at the back of them. “I got angry for something meaningless and I almost took it out on you, and I only stopped because-” his voice hitched as the memory lit by lightning popped back in his mind uninvited. “… You looked so scared.”

“I wasn’t scared,” Sebastian retorted almost immediately, although the uncomfortable expression on his face was tell-tale.

“You didn’t see yourself, Seb.” Eyes wide, the set of his shoulders, the flinch and then _bracing_ , resigned. Sienne remembered, and he wanted to disappear. “You were scared. Of me. And you were right to be.”

“It was instinct, okay? I wasn’t thinking,” Sebastian tried reassuring him, although it fell totally short. Instead, Sienne let out his first sob, tears rolling down his cheeks into the blanket now pulled over his nose to hide the ugly sorrow on his face. “No, Sienne, please don’t cry, I didn’t mean it like that.”

“You trusted me with your fears.” His voice wobbled as he tried to keep his tone low, lest the rest of the empty clinic be witness to their argument. “You told me about your father, what he’d done to you and your mother, and I… I turned around and nearly did the same thing when you were in your lowest moment.” Saying it out loud made it even harder to breathe. His chest felt tight, much tighter than it did when he was actually drowning, and he let out a strangled gasp while trying to keep his sobs under wraps.

“It’s my fault, too.” A high-pitched noise of distress escaped Sienne’s throat before he clamped his hand over his mouth under the covers. “Please just let me explain.”

It was at that moment that footsteps turned the corner around the hallway, stopping in front of the dividers. Both Sienne and Sebastian fell completely silent except for the occasional sniffles and shuddered breaths.

“Excuse me,” Harvey called out, placing his hands on the dividers. “I’m here with more blankets.” Entering with a stack of folded linens in his arms, his gaze immediately went to Sienne’s shaking form with the blanket almost over his head. “Oh, goodness. Is everything alright?”

“Yeah,” Sebastian replied in his stead, swallowing heavily.

“It’s normal to feel emotional after something like that,” Harvey assured them, perhaps a little pointlessly, unfolding the covers and stacking a few more layers on each of them. “It’s just the shock from the adrenaline dying down. Just let it run its course and rest, alright?”

“Mhm.” There wasn’t much else Sienne could muster, doing his best not to cry as hard as his body demanded. He gratefully accepted the tissues that Harvey held out to him, and with a shaky hand wiped some of the tear tracks off his cheeks.

“I’ll be upstairs, but if there’s anything, just push the button on the wall and I’ll come see you,” Harvey instructed, stepping back to give them their privacy. “I’ll see you two later.”

He left without another word from any of them, and when the door to the second floor audibly swung shut in the adjacent hallway, Sienne finally turned around to face the wall, curling up around the box of tissues and leaving his back to his husband in the other bed.

“Sienne-”

“Please, Seb,” he cut him off, his voice barely holding on. “I’m exhausted. I really don’t want to talk about this right now, okay? Please. Just…” he sniffled, drawing the stacked blankets up to his chin. “Just leave me alone.”

“Okay.” Finally, Sebastian relented, probably understanding Sienne’s need for space better than anything else. Sighing, he shifted into a comfortable position under the blanket, too, settling after a few moments. “I, uhh…” He hesitated, as if weighing his words, and then he finished, perhaps a little more quietly, unsurely. “I love you.”

Another strangled noise came out of Sienne, and he didn’t answer right away.

“I love you, too,” he finally said after a minute, and if his voice cracked midway, neither of them mentioned it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, uhh, the reason why the climax of chapter 1 came so late is bc... I wanted to build up Sienne's character into someone the reader can get attached to, so that when the conflict at the climax finally came, y'all weren't just like "yo this trash character, fuck this dude and goodbye". Relationships are complex and trauma response is complex. They've both got issues (hinted vaguely in Sienne's case) and that makes it so that their emotional response to something that hits home is not as cookie-cutter perfect as we would like. Yeah, Sienne nearly hit Seb. Did he mean it? No. Does that excuse him? No. Is it gonna be a major plot point and source of character development? Yes. This story is rated Mature because this nuanced interpretation of trauma response and complex relationships between adults is not something I trust non-adults to understand. That being said, I do appreciate constructive feedback on how I handled trauma response. Like I said, nothing about the psychology of trauma is ever cookie-cutter in real life.  
> Anyway, thanks for reading chapter 1. Chapter 2's halfway done, so it shouldn't be too long. I was originally gonna post this in one shot but I broke 20k words before the second big event was even written, and, well... At any rate, this is honestly kind of a self-indulgent fic, the type I'm writing as a niche interest for myself, and that I'm gonna enjoy re-reading once in a while haha. If someone else enjoys it alongside me, that would make me even happier! Please send me some feedback on what parts you liked/didn't like, or what you're anticipating! Thanks for reading, and see you soon for part 2! <3
> 
> \- Cin


	2. Dream, My Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas!! Here is chapter 2, and the conclusion to Sebastian's wild ride on the childhood trauma train. To all those who gave this fic a chance, thank you. I really appreciate your support and I'm glad other people can enjoy this honestly self-indulgent work alongside me. 
> 
> Please enjoy the ending!!

They returned to the farm in the late afternoon, after they both took a well-deserved nap in the clinic beds and left with matching cotton balls taped to the crooks of their elbows. Harvey said that their blood tests wouldn’t take very long to process, but since Sienne’s phone had taken water damage and Sebastian’s was still at Robin’s, he’d have to find another way to send them the results.

Simply glad just to return home, the two of them hastily got dressed and left while the rain turned calmer.

It indeed felt like a summer shower now, not as violent as before, but hot and humid all around them as they started the trek up the mountainside under their borrowed umbrellas (and Sienne’s old, borrowed pair of shoes). Dry as he was, Sienne soon felt sweaty again, clothes sticking to his body and atmosphere stifling as they made their way past the bus stop.

He was grateful to Sebastian for not trying to start a conversation with him like this, because he still didn’t know how to go about discussing everything that had happened between them on the beach. The nap had done him well, but he still felt weary down to his bones, and as they stepped foot onto the farm, the added reminder that he still had quite a lot of work to catch up on did him no favours.

Still, when there was nothing left between them but silence, he figured that harsh, demanding farm work was exactly what he needed to temporarily get his mind away from his anxieties.

“I’m gonna go see the animals,” was the first thing he said after their unending walk back up to the house, watching Sebastian hang the raincoat by the door. “There’s leftover cauliflower in the fridge if you get hungry in the meantime.”

“I’ll be fine,” Sebastian assured him quietly, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I think I’ll get some work done, too.”

“Okay.” There wasn’t much else to be said. “See you tonight.”

“Yeah.”

With uncertainty still between them, Sienne left the farmhouse again, heading out towards the barn. In the back of his mind, he knew that he was avoiding Sebastian and avoiding the issues building up between them with each passing second, but part of him still hoped that if he ignored it, they’d be back to normal by the next day.

(Of course it wouldn’t be that easy. Sienne knew it. Sebastian had been scared of him, like he was scared of his father).

(That wasn’t something he could shake from one day to the next).

“Hey guys,” he greeted as he entered the barn, nose immediately scrunching at the smell of soiled hay and humidity. “Ugh. Gross.” Nonetheless glad to see him (or perhaps pissed for his late arrival), one of his brown cows lazily came over, still chewing on something when she bumped her head against his arm. Sienne patted her affectionately, stepping back before she could start chewing on his clothes, too. “Hey, Sogogi. Hope you haven’t missed me.”

In response, one of the goats belted in the back, drawing a genuine chuckle from Sienne.

“Got it,” he answered, his heart a little lighter now that he had something else to put his mind to. Grabbing a pitchfork from the nearby rack, he gave Sogogi one more affectionate pat to the flank, then got to work.

Repetitive manual labour did him some good. Lingering exhaustion from his highly emotional near-death experience clung to his limbs, pushing him farther than usual as he performed his mindless routine tasks, and it didn’t take much for him to be out of breath and sweaty. He welcomed it; exhaustion was better than having to relive the events from the beach.

By the time he finished tidying up the barn and milking the cows, the rain had settled into a drizzle. Sick and tired of the gloomy weather, he ducked into the coop next, mourning the loss of his rainboots when the trek across the muddy pasture soaked his running shoes down to his socks.

The chickens seemed less than excited to see him so late, and Sienne had quite a bit of apologizing to do to them as he picked them up and moved them to sweep the coop. Considering the milder weather, he opened the hatch for a couple of the ducks to go outside for a quick swim while he fed the other animals, and spent some time brushing and grooming the rabbits, whose moulting season approached fast at this time of year.

All in all, by the time he finished and locked everyone back in for the night, it already seemed to be dinnertime. He didn’t have a phone to check, so he debated the usefulness of heading back to the house versus getting more work done.

And though the prospect of drying off and getting in pyjamas sounded nice after such a long day, he was also scared of the conversation that both of them were gradually putting off. He knew they had to talk about it one day, but at that moment, out by himself and his anxious thoughts to keep him company, he didn’t think he could have a productive discussion at all.

With that in mind, he made his decision and turned on his heel to head off towards the winery instead.

After the winery, it was the processing shed, and after the processing shed it was the pickling operation, and after that, it was a survey of the hops trellises. By the time Sienne acknowledged that he was simply pushing his return home at that point, it was already quite late, the rain clouds parting to let moonlight through.

“Damn, what a day.” The exhaustion settled deep in his bones as he climbed the steps to the house, trying not to be too loud. The door creaked on its hinges as he entered, delicately toeing his soaked running shoes off and pulling off his socks before he trailed mud everywhere in the house. The AC had dropped the temperature in the living area quite a lot, and Sienne felt a shiver course down his arms. He hung his rain gear and threw a glance at the bedroom door, which was closed.

He hesitated for a moment, although eventually, taking a deep breath, he turned the knob and entered as quietly as possible. The open curtains on the large window facing their bed let the faint moonlight in, subtly outlining the body lying in the bed. Sienne let out a shaky breath when he realized that Sebastian was fast asleep, half under the covers, still dressed, phone in his hand. He must’ve gone to retrieve it from his mother’s house while Sienne worked the farm, and then come home to wait.

He’d waited.

Sienne didn’t deserve him, not after everything that had happened between them.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured ever so lightly to his husband’s sleeping form, watching the faint furrow of his brow in response. Sebastian notoriously suffered from nightmares even on good days, and Sienne wondered if he’d be starring in one of them tonight.

The thought itself made him nauseous.

As carefully as he stepped in, he stepped right back out, and gently clicked the door shut behind him. A little lost as to what came next, he headed towards the fridge and mechanically ate a few bites of cold leftovers before weariness came crashing back into him like the waves that mercilessly tried to drag him under. Knees shaking, he placed his unfinished food back into the fridge, and stumbled over to the couch.

He passed out very quickly, curled up and blanketed by the gentle croaking of frogs in the night.

…-…

The next morning, Sienne woke up to the crow of the rooster once again, announcing that the rain had finally stopped. Groaning, he rolled over and fumbled blindly for his phone on the coffee table before remembering that he didn’t have his phone anymore after his dip in the ocean.

“Fuck,” he groaned, a simple one-word sentiment that encompassed all the weariness he felt. His body hadn’t rested at all, and his headache was still throbbing behind his eyes despite the night of sleep. His back hurt from his bent position on the couch and he was cold- from the AC, perhaps, or perhaps because he wasn’t used to sleeping by himself anymore.

Refusing to bemoan his issues, he nonetheless pushed himself off the couch, and immediately went to start the coffee machine as his first order of business. By the time he’d washed his face and brushed his teeth, the smell of coffee had begun to waft around the kitchen, effectively the first step to waking him up.

As if mocking him, the sun that fell through the living room window was bright and blinding, and Sienne glared at the windowsill to try and pick a fight with it, even as he leaned against the counter to take his first sips.

A quick glance to the entrance and then the bedroom door showed that Sebastian still hadn’t woken. And if he had, he’d simply gone directly into his office. Sienne wondered if he was avoiding him, and then guiltily acknowledged that he himself was primarily the one avoiding Sebastian.

Still. He couldn’t forget the way his beloved had looked at him in that moment. He didn’t know if he could handle setting him off like that again. It wasn’t like he’d ever raise a hand against him again- never even meant to the first time- but the experience had him wondering if there were other things that he should know to be careful about.

Now that he was getting peeks of Sebastian’s still very-prevalent trauma, he wondered if being around his husband was like walking through a minefield. Sienne realized with growing discomfort that he didn’t know anything about him in reality. All Sebastian had told him on that gloomy day up by the lake was how his father’s gambling tendencies had twisted him into a manipulative, abusive person who simply did not take no for an answer.

It made him wonder if that was why Sebastian’s issues with him never seemed to end, even after all this time.

There was so much he didn’t know about the man he loved and shared his life with. More than anything, that uncertainty opened up a pit of dread in Sienne’s stomach. Trying to fill that very void, even for a second, Sienne chugged the rest of his coffee, wincing when he nearly scalded his tongue in his haste to be done and leave the house again.

Avoiding the bedroom, he picked out some overalls that he hadn’t taken out of the dryer yet and threw them on over the same shirt he’d worn yesterday, taking a quick glance at his muddy, still-damp running shoes and deciding that Sebastian wouldn’t mind him borrowing his boots to work the field for today. He was in the middle of pulling said boots on when there was a hesitant knock at the door, Sienne whipping his head up in surprise.

“Coming,” he said, not too loud and mostly to himself. When he opened the door, he relaxed at the sight of Dr. Harvey standing on his porch, panting lightly to catch his breath.

“Good morning, Sienne,” the older man greeted cheerfully, sweat beading on his forehead. “I apologize for showing up so early, but,” he paused to exhale harshly, “your blood test results came in. I came by to explain them.”

“Oh.” Sienne didn’t necessarily want to think of yesterday’s events, but he couldn’t let anything regarding Sebastian’s health fly under the radar either. “Would you like a glass of water or something before you start?”

“I’d like that,” Harvey chuckled sheepishly, his embarrassment putting a soft smile on Sienne’s face. “It’s quite a walk up here, especially so early in the morning. It’s shaping up to be a sweltering day, so you be careful in those fields.”

“Sure,” Sienne assured him, letting him enter to get away from the sun before quickly filling up a glass of water in the kitchen and bringing it back. “Here you are.”

“Thank you kindly.” Waiting until he was done, Sienne took the glass back, clutching it in his hands as Harvey reached into his pocket to pull out two sheets of paper. “Now, here are the printouts for your records. The numbers won’t mean much to you, but all you need to know if that you’re both a little dehydrated.”

“After drowning?” Sienne didn’t know much about medicine, but that didn’t sound too right.

“You see, ocean water is salty, so ingesting large amounts of salt water can increase the concentration of salt in the blood, which draws fluid out of the cells and into your bloodstream to be eliminated in the kidneys,” Harvey explained, backtracking when the blank look on Sienne’s face made it obvious that he didn’t follow. “I’ll try and make it simple.”

“Not to play into the farmer stereotype, but that would be for the best,” Sienne joked lightly, finding that this conversation with someone who wasn’t his husband was actually quite effective at getting his spirits up. “I never did too well in biology in school.”

“Simply put, you should drink a lot of water and avoid things like coffee, tea, and alcohol for a little while. Eat a lot of vegetables and other foods with a high-water content, alright?”

“Sounds good.” Sienne didn’t have much appetite anyway, so it wouldn’t be a problem to stay away from restricted foods. He would miss the coffee, though. “Thanks for checking in, Doc.”

“Not at all.” Turning to leave, Harvey stepped out onto the porch before stopping, and turning back around. There seemed to be something he had yet to say. “And Sienne… I know this may be a sensitive topic, but…”

“Hmm?” Sienne tensed slightly in anticipation.

“What happened to you was actually quite a big deal,” Harvey asserted, and a shiver ran down Sienne’s spine. “There is no shame in wanting to talk about it, perhaps with someone uninvolved. If you ever need it, I have a wonderful colleague psychologist in Zuzu City who would be happy to take you…”

“I’m fine, thanks.” Immediately shutting him down, Sienne saw the doubt flashing through Harvey’s face before the professional mask slipped back on. He really hadn’t meant to get defensive. “I mean… I… I already know someone.”

“Oh.”

“But, uhh… I’ll tell Sebastian. In case he needs someone like that.” With everything he had going on, perhaps it wouldn’t be the worst idea to suggest to his husband. Still, with the way things were between them, Sienne was genuinely afraid of such a sensitive topic widening the rift between them.

One step at a time. For now, he would have to wait.

“Well, let me know if there’s anything I can do for you both.” Seemingly aware that his presence was no longer necessary, Harvey nodded at him and turned to leave. “Take care, Sienne. Don’t work too hard, alright?”

“I’ll try,” Sienne replied wryly, eyes darting to the lush crop fields extending nearby, idly waving the doctor off. Today would be the first of three harvest days for the first summer crops. There was no way he could afford to slack off, unfortunately. “Goodbye.”

Politely waiting for Harvey to disappear down the dirt path, Sienne then closed the door and brought the glass back to the sink, leaving the medical records on the counter nearby to do away with later. The door to their bedroom had remained closed the whole time, Sebastian either truly exhausted or consciously avoiding him.

Either way, Sienne deflated a little bit, finding himself wishing that Sebastian would give a sign as to what he needed, just to help Sienne out a little. He would ask himself, if he wasn’t such a coward.

“Coward,” he repeated to himself, indulging the self-deprecation a little longer before turning to head to the fields.

Regardless of his personal feelings, he still had work to do. The sun was already out, casting a lovely glow over the fields of ripe crops ready for picking, and nature waited for no one- not even Sienne, who was left wondering if he’d ever get a second to just breathe again.

…-…

Predictably, Sienne ended up toiling in the fields without much time to spare. Focused on being as efficient as possible, he didn’t have the opportunity to let his mind trail off elsewhere, except for the occasional swear at the sun beating mercilessly down on his back. Harvests in the summer were especially harsh, and the more he crouched to tug persistent radishes out of the ground, the more he considered just taking a vacation in the summer from then on.

By noon, Sienne felt like he would either suffocate or burn to a crisp under the sun, so he had no choice but to sit out the high-time hours indoors; or at least take just enough time to cool off, reapply sunscreen, and then go back. When he opened the door to the house, though, and was greeted by the slap of cold conditioned air on his sweaty face, and momentarily considered never leaving again.

“Hey.”

At the sound of the address, Sienne broke out of his fantasy of laziness and turned to the kitchen, where Sebastian stood, assembling a sandwich on the counter. It shouldn’t have been surprising; this was their routine for harvest periods, but Sienne was surprised that Sebastian didn’t go the extra mile to avoid him.

“Hey.”

He looked good, standing in the kitchen in a t-shirt and loose jeans, bare toes curled on the kitchen tile, hair still a little damp from a recent shower. Sienne wondered if it was possible to miss someone who stood right in front of him.

“I made lunch,” Sebastian continued, unsurely etching a shy smile. “I’ll be done soon.”

“Thanks.” Deciding to just roll with it, Sienne removed his boots, opting to keep his dirty overalls on, because what was a little dirt in a farmhouse, anyway?

“How’s the harvest going?” Sebastian asked tentatively, slicing the sandwiches into quarters. “Do you need my help?”

“I’ve got it, don’t worry,” Sienne assured him, heading to the sink to splash cold water on his face. “Plus, pretty sure vampires burn if they go out in the sunlight.”

Was that too much? He wondered if it was too early to start teasing him again. Maybe Sebastian just wasn’t in the mood for it. His unknown problems with his father hadn’t been resolved either, on top of everything else. What if Sienne only made things worse by pulling on his tail like this?

His anxious musings were interrupted, however, by the sound of Sebastian’s amused snort, as if he, too, had not been expecting the teasing comment.

“Not if they’re protected by a shield charm,” he simply replied, not bothering to hide the smile on his face as he brought the sandwiches over to the table. “Now, come eat.”

“Thanks.” Glad for the momentary return to normalcy, Sienne scrubbed as much of the dirt under his nails as possible before sitting down across from Sebastian. The sandwiches were placed between them like a peace offering, and they both grabbed a quarter at the same time.

They were both silent for a little while, each focused on their own thoughts, until Sebastian took the first step forward, swallowing his mouthful before glancing over at the papers on the kitchen table.

“Did Dr. Harvey bring these?” he asked, and Sienne realized he was talking about the blood test results.

“Yeah, he was here this morning.” He finished his quarter before continuing. “Apparently looks good, just said we should be drinking a lot of water, and not too much coffee.”

“Ugh, water.” Sebastian made a face, one that Sienne found endearing as hell. He swallowed the urge to grin with another bite of sandwich.

“Make an effort to stay hydrated, or you’ll shrivel up.”

“Again with the vampire jokes?”

Sienne only chuckled, glad to feel the tension ebbing away from between them with each word. The sun streaming in from the window no longer seemed aggressive, but just bright enough to illuminate the sparkle in Sebastian’s tired eyes.

“What are you up to today?” Sienne bridged, drinking a bit of fresh-pressed orange juice to wash down the sticky bread.

“Just working on the same project,” Sebastian shrugged. “It’s almost done. Another week, maybe, and the website will be ready for launch.”

“Thought it’d be ready earlier, the way you were talking about it.”

“Graphic design’s been having some issues,” Sebastian explained, relaxing entirely as he took over the topic that he was most comfortable with. The way he spoke so easily made Sienne’s heart swell. He loved him, even when he didn’t entirely follow everything he said. “The designer had to revise her logo four times so far. My client’s lenient about the website function and layout, but it seems like he’s quite picky with the aesthetics. My part’s almost done, honestly.”

“Hope he’ll settle soon,” Sienne said, sitting back to admire Sebastian’s serene expression, listening to the idle drumming of his fingers on the table. “Didn’t you wanna work on your game this summer?”

“Yeah.” Excitement added inflection to his voice, and Sienne really wanted to lean over and kiss him. “I was looking at some of the open-source coding for a similar game model, and I saw this particular string that made so much sense- honestly kind of mad I didn’t think of it myself.”

“Think it’s gonna be useful?” Sienne participated in the conversation rather blindly, but Sebastian seemed to appreciate the question nonetheless. 

“I think so. There was this bug in one of the NPC houses where the baby kept clipping into the oven whenever its mom tried to pick it up, but now I’m realizing that it’s just an issue with tile overlays.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, but it sounds like fun,” Sienne admitted, leaning his chin on his palm to listen to him. Sebastian gave him a sheepish smile, as if not having realized he’d gone so far, and the quiet happiness on his face made Sienne’s heart flutter.

“Yeah, sorry. I was sort of talking to myself, too,” he said, and at that moment, his cellphone audibly vibrated in his pocket.

They both fell silent.

“Umm… I want you to play the beta version, though,” Sebastian continued, maybe a little less comfortable all of a sudden. His phone vibrated again. “Not to figure out bugs or anything, but just… to give me your opinion.”

Once more, a short vibration came in, and Sienne sighed.

“You can pick it up,” he muttered, not wanting to play pretend. The good mood had soured the moment that first text came in. Sebastian winced, seeming to think so as well, but didn’t protest, pulling his phone out to check it under the table.

His face was impassive as he scrolled, and Sienne just watched how easily the spark left his eyes. He wanted to mourn its ephemeral life, but had no time, as Sebastian clicked the phone shut and placed it on the table.

“Sorry,” he simply offered, and they both knew it wasn’t enough.

“Seb,” Sienne tentatively began, sitting back and crossing his arms. “How are… How are things with your father?”

“It’s fine.”

“Sebastian…”

“He’s just bothering me, Sienne, that’s all,” Sebastian sighed, running a hand through his hair.

“That’s not all,” Sienne protested, his heart picking up its pace. “Seb, we went through this just yesterday. And it was a disaster. Can you please just give me a little transparency to work with here?”

“I just… I don’t know what to tell you, Sienne,” Sebastian protested. “I don’t wanna hide anything, but there are some things I’m just not ready to talk about, and… well, I’m still trying to figure out the right middle, okay?”

“You know that nothing you say will change the way I see you, right?” Sienne reminded him, swallowing when Sebastian’s screen lit up with another incoming text. “I just wanna help. You’re going through a lot and I hate the feeling of walking on eggshells around you.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Sebastian muttered, quickly glancing at his phone screen but not picking it up. “You don’t have to treat me any different because of this.”

“I do.” It was the truth that neither of them wanted to admit. “There’s so much about you that I realize I don’t know. What if I do something wrong, something that I could’ve avoided, had I known? I don’t want to hurt you anymore.” The phone lit up again. Sienne felt the tension build back up, felt it inside his bones and saw how it turned Sebastian rigid and uncomfortable all over again. “I don’t know how else to ask, Seb. Please let me in.”

Sebastian at least contemplated this, seemingly choosing his words carefully.

“My father came here the other night,” he finally said, throwing Sienne completely off with the sudden jump into the topic. “Mom and I talked to him for the first time in… so long.”

“He came here?” Sienne pressed, alarmed. “Like, _here_ here?”

“Mom’s house.” Sebastian shook his head.

“Good Yoba, that’s what you went out to do the other night, then?” Sienne felt terror climb up his throat. “You were just gonna sneak out at 2AM and go face your abusive parent _on your own_?”

“Mom was with me.” Wincing, Sebastian didn’t seem to appreciate the accusation very much. “And she’s a lot stronger than any of us give her credit for.”

“That doesn’t make it any better.” Sienne’s voice trembled. “Seb, why didn’t you say that in the first place? I could’ve helped!”

“How, exactly?” It was Sebastian’s turn to turn prickly, suddenly closing himself off. “I told you, I don’t want you getting involved with someone like him.”

“I’m an angry farmer mob all to myself, Seb,” Sienne huffed, a little insulted that Sebastian didn’t think he could handle himself. “Need I remind you how much ass I’ve kicked in this short lifetime? Ask Marlon next time you’re in town.”

“You can’t swing a sword at my father, Sienne,” Sebastian retorted, also getting a bit frustrated. “Do you think I’d be happy if you committed murder for me?”

“If it’s what I have to do for you to get one good night’s sleep, just one night without nightmares, then yeah.” Sienne wasn’t sure if it was the emotion talking, but he continued anyway. “Yeah, I would commit murder.”

“I’m gonna pretend you didn’t say that.” Sebastian’s phone lit up once more, this time with an incoming call. Sienne glanced over and saw a flash of orange hair- Robin. At the sight of his mom, Sebastian deflated, all his piled-up irritation fading into exhaustion. “Sie, listen… I honestly don’t know enough of what’s going on either, so I can’t even tell you the whole story, even if I wanted to.”

“Even if you wanted to,” Sienne repeated, feeling his heart break a little. The phone turned off, announcing a missed call.

“No, that’s not-” Realizing what he’d said, Sebastian groaned and doubled back, even if Sienne’s heart had already started to ache again. “It was just a figure of speech. I do want to tell you, I promise, but… I haven’t even figured it out for myself yet.”

“And you won’t let me in so we can figure it out together.” It was a statement, the damage already done. The phone screen lit up again- another call from Robin. Sienne glanced at his mother-in-law’s smiling face, and his chest tightened. “Pick up the phone, Seb. I’m going back outside, anyway.”

“Sie,” Sebastian’s eyes widened, but Sienne really didn’t want to talk about it anymore. He’d tried, he really had, but there was just nothing left for him to work with.

Without another word, he pulled his boots on at the entrance, and left.

The burning sun greeted him again, hot, humid air smothering him and sitting heavy in his lungs from the first breath on. Heart tight, lungs weighed down, headache pounding with newfound ferocity, Sienne rubbed his face tiredly and took a deep, shaky breath before venturing back out into the fields to lose himself just a little.

…-…

All the sunscreen in the world couldn’t save Sienne out in the fields that day, so he was eternally glad for his straw hat, his final bastion of defense against the sunlight actually attempting to roast him alive. The sticky humidity in the air clung to his skin, plastering his hair against his cheeks and pearling on his forehead to roll vindictively down into his eyes. Trembling with exhaustion by the time the afternoon rolled around, Sienne had to call for a break when his knees buckled as he stood up from a blueberry plant.

“Summer should be illegal,” he muttered to himself as he leaned against the orange tree, reveling in the partial shade it provided. At his side, his third basket of blueberries innocently waited for him to pick it up and continue, although with Sienne’s hands quaking as they did, he wasn’t sure he could go on for much longer. The round little berries sat comfortably together, basking in the sun, and Sienne felt like somewhere out there, some higher power was having a great time making fun of him.

Just to be petty, Sienne put his hand in the basket, and popped a few blueberries into his mouth.

“Not even that good,” he huffed, though perhaps it was his own bitterness ruining the taste. “At least it’ll sell, though.”

A rare breeze ruffled the leaves hanging above his head, an overripe orange dropping to land a few feet away. Sienne leaned over to grab it, tossing it up and down in his hand idly a few times. As he amused himself with the momentary distraction, he noticed the door to the house opening. Still tossing, he watched as Sebastian stepped out, dressed in long sleeves and pants, holding his bike helmet in one hand and holding his phone to his ear with the other. From this far away, Sienne couldn’t even read his lips, but, bitterly, he found himself thinking that it didn’t matter anyway.

Sebastian didn’t want him involved, after all.

Catching the orange in his palm, he squeezed it a little out of frustration, and then tossed it as hard as he could into the pasture. It totally missed Bulgogi, his white cow, but she had the audacity to look in his direction as if she was offended anyway.

Sienne childishly stuck a tongue out at her in response.

“Sie!”

Turning his head to the call of his name, Sienne watched as Sebastian waved at him, clearly having spotted him thanks to his orange-throw. Sighing, but also curious, he stood up, patting the damp dirt off the butt of his denim overalls before walking over. He was a little too light-headed for a jog, but Sebastian waited patiently for him anyway, not seeming to mind.

“Are you going for a drive?” he asked as he walked up, munching on a couple more blueberries from the basket.

“Yeah.” Sebastian’s face was impassable. “I need some time to think things through and put my thoughts together. And when I come back, I’m hoping I’ll have a better idea of how to explain things to you.”

“Okay.” Sienne couldn’t lie to himself- that sounded great. This was Sebastian trying, and Sienne had to meet him halfway. Besides, he looked forward to hearing the full story and finally understanding what was going on. He couldn’t read Sebastian’s mood, didn’t know if he was stressed or angry or anxious, but he wanted to believe him one more time, just one more. “How far are you going?”

“Zuzu outskirts, probably.”

“That’s a couple of hours away, and you’ve got the round trip to think of.” It was an obvious thing to point out, but Sienne couldn’t help but feel a little insecure. “You sure you’ll be okay?”

“I’ll be fine,” Sebastian assured him, already taking a step back to go for his bike. “Promise.”

“Don’t-” Don’t go, he suddenly felt like saying, unsure why it was the only thought that came to him. Sebastian stopped and waited for him to finish, and Sienne felt his throat tighten just looking at him. If he reached out and stretched his hand, he’d be able to grab his wrist and pull him back, but that still wouldn’t bridge the distance between them. Plus, Sienne couldn’t help but be a little scared; would Sebastian even want him to ask him to stay?

“… Sienne?”

“Don’t drive too fast,” he blurted out instead, feeling his heart race against his ribs. “Be safe.”

“Of course.” There was a split second of warm endearment on Sebastian’s face, and then it was gone as he turned around to go for his bike. “See you.”

“See you.”

Rooted in place, Sienne watched him throw the helmet on and mount the bike, starting it up and walking it carefully to the dirt path. He didn’t say anything more, although just as he put his feet up, he waved.

Sienne shakily waved back, and Sebastian was gone.

…-…

Sienne’s routine didn’t change and the world didn’t stop turning just because Sebastian had gone. Normally, Sienne wouldn’t have blinked twice at his husband needing alone time, but these days, it didn’t reassure him to see him going off on his own. His familial problems hadn’t been solved yet, if his constant back-and-forth with his mother was anything to go by, so the questions that arose from his continued silence on the matter only served to stress Sienne out.

Still, it wasn’t like he had time to sit and meditate on it. Nature waited on no man, and if Sienne didn’t want his produce to rot under the burning sun, he had to think less, work more.

The fields kept him busy until the late afternoon, when the heat died down just enough to be tolerable. Having no indication of time on hand (and making no particular effort to find out, lest he start counting hours), Sienne just chained one task after the next, feet dragging and eyelids heavy by the time he settled the animals back into their designated buildings for the night. He’d been careful when expanding his farm operations not to take too much onto his plate, as he had no interest in hiring farmhands, but when his vision blurred on his way to the shipping box with a crate of wine, he wondered if perhaps he’d taken on more than he should’ve.

Or perhaps it was the piling exhaustion and stress from the past few days’ events and his own overarching anxiety about everything he did and still didn’t know. Either way, when he nearly tripped on his own two feet after dropping the crate off, he realized that perhaps it was time to slow down. Dropping down to sit against the shipping box, he tried to catch his breath, clearing his parched throat. He thought of heading inside for a drink at least, but when he made a move to get up, his head spun so violently that he nearly fell back over.

“Guess I’ll stay here, then,” he mumbled to himself, dropping his head between his knees and simply trying to breathe. The sun always set annoyingly late during the midsummer, so he couldn’t tell what time it was at all. He wondered if it was a socially acceptable time for a nap, at least.

He wondered if Sebastian would be coming back soon.

Once his vision cleared once again, he carefully got up and took a deep breath to center himself, slowly making his way back to the farmhouse. Upon seeing his approach, June bounded down the patio stairs, holding in his mouth the coveted offering of a dead rat almost as big as Sienne’s palm.

“Thanks, Junie,” Sienne said flatly, letting June drop the rat and rub himself all over his legs instead. Making one more effort, he bent down and picked the grey tabby up, continuing his trek back to the house while his companion wiggled in his arms for release.

The cat was dropped to the floor only when he made it to the couch, barely even kicking his boots off before putting them up over the armrest. Beyond feeling exhausted, Sienne felt a little sick, and he wondered if he’d caught something from his impromptu swim from the day before. Or maybe it really was just the anxiety eating him alive.

“I don’t feel good, Junie,” he groaned, throwing an arm over his eyes to shield them from the bright lights on the ceiling. There was no answer from the cat, and Sienne turned his head to the side just in time to see him crouch under the floor lamp, pupils dilated and fixated on a moth flittering around the lightbulb, tail swishing slowly.

Sienne groaned once again and flipped around to dig his face into the couch cushions, a chill racking through his body. He had half a mind to get up and turn the AC off, but there wasn’t any more strength left in his limbs.

A nap sounded very appealing at the moment, and a solution to all his problems; the accumulated exhaustion, the constant insecurity and the self-doubt permeating his every thought, notably.

Behind him, there was a sudden crash and yowl as June presumably completely missed his mark, and Sienne let his eyes fall shut.

He’d deal with it, and with everything else, when he woke up next.

…-…

And when he did wake up next, it was pitch black outside. Sienne still didn’t feel much better despite getting several hours in, as per the clock on the oven, but he felt like there were a lot more things that had to be done before he could consider his issues fixed. A nap hadn’t done much else but delay them.

“Seb?” he called out almost reflexively as he sat up, popping his stiff shoulders. There was no answer, and Sienne glanced over the couch to the entrance. Sebastian’s shoes were there, but then again, Sienne remembered that he usually wore his leather boots to go on drives.

The thought occurred to him that maybe Sebastian hadn’t come back yet. And when he threw another glance at the oven clock, hoping the numbers would magically change, concern rooted itself in the pit of his stomach.

“Sebastian?” he called again, jumping off the couch and rapidly making his way for the door. No one answered him, and when Sienne stepped out onto the patio, he immediately confirmed his fears.

The bike was missing from its usual parking space. It was almost midnight, and Sebastian still had not returned.

“Okay, relax,” Sienne coached himself, immediately feeling his heart jump into his throat and race. “Relax, maybe he got tired and stopped on the road?” Plausible. “I’ll give him a call,” he decided, and spun on his heel before remembering that he didn’t have his cellphone anymore.

New anxiety surged in him, and he stepped back inside, staring at the walls of his house for answers.

“Okay, it’s almost midnight,” he continued, pacing without purpose to vent the stress weighing on his limbs. “Uhh… Gus has a landline at the saloon, I could use that.” The idea gave him a little hope. Gus didn’t usually close up until half-past, which gave him ample time to get down there. The walk would do him a little good, too, just to put his energy elsewhere than his frantic thoughts.

Taking a deep breath, he nodded to himself at the solid plan and turned right back around to put his running shoes on. He felt gross and dirty from an entire day out in the fields, and the moment he began his descent from the patio his legs screamed at him to stop exerting himself, but he was truly and wholly worried and wouldn’t rest until he got some answers.

“He’s fine,” Sienne repeated to himself perhaps a little breathlessly, starting his fast-paced walk which soon turned into a jog. “He’s fine, I would’ve gotten a call-” He stopped himself halfway through that one, gritting his teeth. After all this was over, he would invest in a landline for sure. He’d never used one in the city, but he should’ve known better than to forgo one in the countryside.

The cicadas cried as he slowed to catch his breath, tired out within minutes. The night was hot, but not unpleasantly so, which he was grateful for when he began to work up a sweat just as he passed the bus stop. The soil had dried under the intense sun in the daytime, so Sienne’s rapid footsteps crunched underneath him as he hurried down the hillside pass.

Sebastian had to be fine. He was a careful driver, and the roads around Stardew Valley were always deserted. There had to be a good reason for why he wasn’t home yet, and Sienne refused to think of all the scary alternatives until he spoke to him himself. 

Deep down, however, he couldn’t deny that the worst possibilities could not be ruled out just yet.

The anxiety of that realization spurred him down the slope until the first paved roads of the town came into view, barely lit by the sparse streetlights. Pelican Town was a safe place, and Sienne knew it, but just this once, the shadows seemed to jump at him, crawling up to swallow him as he jogged towards the town square, completely out of breath. From there, he could already see the lights on inside of the saloon, and he pushed himself to jog the last stretch as well.

Just as he arrived behind the building, the door opened, letting out presumably the last patrons of the night. No music nor voices came from the inside, so Sienne estimated that it was just past midnight. Just as the thought crossed his mind, Shane walked out into his field of vision, and both of them stopped at the same time.

“Sienne?” Shane frowned, genuinely confused. “Shouldn’t you be sleeping or something?”

“Shane!” Sienne had never been happier to see him. Although there had been that one time by the cliffs where he’d also been pretty damn relieved… “Thank goodness, man.” If anyone could understand anxiety, it would be Shane, and Sienne was suddenly so glad that he’d been the one to cross his path. “Do you have your cellphone on you?”

“Yeah?” Shane looked terribly confused, but met Sienne under the nearest streetlamp regardless. “You okay? Did you run here?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Total lie, and they both knew it. Sienne paused to catch his breath, doubling over for a second. “Hey, can I make a call on your phone? Mine’s busted.”

“Sure.” Not questioning it, Shane pulled his phone out of his pocket, and Sienne nearly dropped it while fumbling for it, hands trembling. “Man, are you sure you’re fine? You’re pale as hell. Aren’t you farmers supposed to tan in the summer or something?”

“Fine.” Sienne didn’t have the clarity of mind necessary to say much else, instead typing Sebastian’s number with shaky hands. Shane didn’t seem to believe him, but Shane was also someone who didn’t push, and Sienne really appreciated not being hounded about it at the moment.

The dial tone rang, and he put the phone up to his ear to wait anxiously.

Within four rings, Sebastian’s voicemail message began to play, and Sienne’s heart sank into his stomach. He hung up and looked down at the phone, as if contemplating what to do next, starting to get a little nauseous.

He dialed again, and put it up to his ear, tapping his foot restlessly on the pavement.

“Isn’t Sebastian home with you?” Shane asked, frowning at how jittery Sienne looked. Sienne knew that most of the townspeople saw him as someone bright and carefree, but in reality, he was just really good at pretending his problems didn’t exist, until they actually did, of course.

“No, he went out, and-” The voicemail message began playing again and Sienne cut himself off, his heart aching and pulling at the sound of his husband’s recorded voice on the other line. The tone beeped, and, a little desperate, Sienne figured he may as well leave him a voicemail. “Hey love, it’s me. It’s midnight, you were supposed to be back hours ago. I’m, uhh…” He bit his thumb, chewing on the fingernail while trying to get his thoughts in order. “I’m worried. A little. A lot, actually. Please call back. Although this is Shane’s phone, so don’t be confused. Or don’t call back. Or maybe call your mother?” Sienne didn’t know what he was saying. The words left his mouth without him noticing, and he completely lost his train of thought.

He let out of a noise of frustration, pinching the bridge of his nose when his headache began to pound again.

“Maybe you’re just driving,” he said, mostly to himself. “Umm… I’m gonna wait, okay? Please come home soon.”

And it suddenly hit him that maybe, just maybe, Sebastian didn’t _want_ to come back.

“Please come home,” he repeated for good measure, and his voice broke halfway. His hands shook visibly, and in the spirit of not dropping Shane’s cellphone, he ended the call.

He handed it back to Shane, who’d stayed silent the whole time, and he knew that his feelings were more than transparent at this point.

“Thanks,” he croaked out, shoving his hands into the pockets of his overalls to hide the tremors. “I should… I should go home.”

“I’ll walk you.” In all his tipsy, depressed glory, Shane stepped up without an ounce of hesitation.

“No, it’s fine, I-”

“Sienne, you’re not fine.” Surprisingly firm, Shane motioned towards the square with his head. “Come on. I’m not gonna leave you alone right now. Plus, I’ll sober up on the way there.”

“I feel so ridiculous,” Sienne simply said, falling into step before he knew it. “Sorry you have to see me like this.”

“Like you haven’t seen me at my worst before.” Straightforward as always, Shane rolled his eyes. “Come on. You’re the one who taught me that it’s okay to lean on others, so take your own advice.”

“Never took you for a heart-to-heart kind of guy,” Sienne chuckled shakily, the attempt at humour getting stuck in his throat.

“I’m not.” Good old Shane. “But if you wanna tell me what’s up, you know I’ll listen.”

“It’s no big deal,” Sienne prefaced, although from the looks of him, it really was a big deal. “Seb went out for a drive in the afternoon and he’s not back yet. That’s all.”

“He say where he was going?”

“Zuzu. Said he needed some time to think.” Sienne let out a bitter laugh. “We’ve been… going through some stuff recently, so… maybe it wasn’t the best idea to leave him alone this time around.”

“Trouble in paradise?” Shane asked, leading the way towards the farm.

“Sort of?” Their marriage had been fine before Sebastian’s father showed up, though. It was one of the reasons why Sienne couldn’t understand why the issue was tearing them apart. “He just won’t let me help him.” Saying it out loud made him feel insecure all over again. “I don’t know if it’s because I’m doing something wrong, or…”

Or if he’d already done something wrong, something unforgivable.

“I, uhh… I’m thinking that maybe I already fucked up with him,” he admitted, chewing on his lip before continuing. “I did something I shouldn’t have. He kept saying it was fine, but… what if it’s not? What if…”

“What if he’s lying to you?” Shane completed, his voice not betraying anything.

“I mean, I wouldn’t say it like that…” But Sebastian had lied to him. He’d lied about being willing to lean on him, and had instead driven himself to the edge. Literally. And Sienne had trusted him the whole time.

“Listen.” Shane sighed like he was about to impart divine wisdom on him, and Sienne fell silent to pay rapt attention. “I don’t know the guy too well. Hell, before you came by, I probably never even spoke to him. But sometimes, I’d see him, and he’d remind me of, well, me. So I guess I can understand where he’s coming from.”

“You can?” Sienne wasn’t expecting that. As far as he was concerned, Shane and his husband had nothing in common.

“Yeah.” Shane seemed a little embarrassed to admit it, but he continued nonetheless as they slowly made their way up the hill towards the bus stop. Out here, there were no more streetlights, so Sienne was left to guess Shane’s expression in his tone. “He’s kind of a loner, too. An introvert, actually. And I haven’t been here much longer than you have, but from what I hear, he’s always been that way. I don’t think a guy like that has had many chances to be honest with people around him, so it makes sense for him to take a while to adjust when someone like you comes smashing in, demanding answers.”

“You’re projecting, Shane.”

“So?” It was a good observation, Sienne had to admit. Maybe Sebastian and Shane really were more similar than he’d thought. “It’s what I think. I’m glad you were there for me, really, so believe me, I know he’s happy to have you around, too. You just gotta give the guy some time to figure himself out, ‘cause all this time, he’s never had to think too hard about himself. To him, his feelings have always been clear, probably, but he’s never had to put them into words.”

“I guess so.” That didn’t take into account all of Sebastian’s trauma, however. The fundamental flaw in Shane’s logic was that Sebastian needed to do more than just break out of his shell. There were fears and memories standing in his way, and as much as Sienne wanted to help him tear down those acquired parts of him, he was terrified that he had actually become part of them. “But really, I did fuck up with him. And I don’t think it’s something I can take back.”

“Think you did something to drive him away?”

“Yeah.” There wasn’t any other explanation for why Sebastian avoided him so ardently. Whatever he’d said so far had sounded hopeful, but his actions said otherwise. “I did something we’ll both remember for the rest of our lives. And even if it never happens again, it’ll always be at the back of our minds- that it could. That it’s always a possibility.”

“I think you’re too anxious,” Shane simply said, and Sienne couldn’t help but burst into laughter.

“I’m sorry,” he chuckled, feeling his cheeks ache. “Sorry, it was a little unexpected, coming from you.”

“Takes one to know one,” Shane said matter-of-factly, and though Sienne couldn’t see his face in the darkness, he could tell his tone was fond. “No, seriously. Just relax. It couldn’t have been that bad, whatever it was.”

“It was pretty bad.”

“Well I think he likes you enough to be willing to work through it instead of running away,” Shane shrugged like it was no big deal, but that was what Sienne needed to hear. That was all he needed, and he realized it when his heart suddenly felt full. “He married you, didn’t he? That’s what it means to be married, or in love, or whatever.”

“I never thought the day would come where you’d actually give me good relationship advice,” Sienne teased, feeling a little better. His hands had stopped shaking, at the very least, even if the whole ordeal had tired him out. His weariness had returned full-force, as if he hadn’t even taken a nap in the first place, but he didn’t want to fall asleep just yet, not until he made sure Sebastian was okay.

“My new therapist is the one to blame, or thank. Whatever you want,” Shane returned playfully, sounding much more alive than he had been at this date a year ago. “She’s not all bad.”

“You’re not, either,” Sienne quipped, and when the first lamppost at the farm entrance illuminated their faces, he gave Shane a tired, but grateful smile. “Thanks, Shane. You’re a real friend.”

“You would’ve done the same for me.” Shane shrugged easily, and they both knew that was true. “And listen, if Sebastian calls back, I’ll come back up here and wake you up. Sound good?”

“You… really don’t have to go through the trouble,” Sienne stammered, a bit embarrassed.

“I’m gonna do it anyway.”

“… Thanks.”

Silence trailed after them once everything was said and done. Within minutes, the light of Sienne’s front porch came into view through the trees, and a wave of dizziness welcomed him home. He didn’t stumble, but was glad he would be able to lie down a little soon enough.

Shane walked him to the stairs, where, in the light, he gave Sienne a small but encouraging smile.

“There we go,” he said, glancing around the dark farm.

“Thanks for walking me. And for the therapy,” Sienne huffed amusedly, tired, but always ready to cope with humour.

“It’s no big deal. You should consider actual therapy, though, even if everything turns out okay.” Sienne never really pegged Shane as the type to say that, but he did seem sincere. “Seriously, it’s helped me a lot, and it seems like you and Sebastian both could use someone to talk to.”

“You know what? You might be right.” It would be a plan for the future, but a plan nonetheless. “Thanks Shane. I’m glad I ran into you.”

“No problem. I’m gonna head out before the hangover settles in, though,” he said with a sheepish smile, rubbing the back of his neck. “Been cutting back slowly, but I’m not done yet.”

“Well, good luck,” Sienne wished him sincerely, waving him off. “And be careful getting back to the ranch. Just cut through the fields and down over the bridge, it’ll land you just west of Marnie’s and save you tons of time.”

“Will do.” One more nod, and Shane turned around, leaving with his hands in his pockets. “Night, Sienne.”

“Night, Shane.”

He politely waited for his friend to disappear into the obscurity of the tomato field (which, he reminded himself with a groan, he’d have to harvest tomorrow) and when he was gone, climbed the steps to his house. The conversation with Shane had done his nerves some good, but there was still some anxiety thrumming underneath his skin. Until he could actually speak with Sebastian with all their cards out on the table, he wouldn’t feel totally at ease.

He just had to trust him one last time. He had to believe he was coming back, and that he hadn’t intentionally run away to the city like he’d always wanted to before Sienne showed up and smashed that dream to piece, and Sebastian always said it was okay, that it wasn’t something he would’ve been happy with, that he liked living in the boonies with Sienne, but Sienne had almost hit him-

“Stop it.” Smacking his hands over his cheeks, Sienne took a deep breath, and let the anxious stream of thinking evaporate through his pores before entering the house. It was quiet, June likely already asleep on the bed, but tonight especially, Sienne couldn’t imagine going to bed without Sebastian.

Grabbing a granola bar from the snack shelf, Sienne turned the coffee machine on and headed to the couch that had become his best friend in the past few days. There were pieces of Sebastian everywhere in the house- from the scuff marks his sneakers left on the unpolished wood, to the gorgeous obsidian on display on the mantel, to the hot peppers in the fridge that he was forcing himself to like so he ‘wouldn’t become soft’ after getting married.

He was an unmovable and irreplaceable part of Sienne’s life, and it only took losing him a couple of times for him to realize it. There were no dreams of his in which Sebastian was absent. They had to fix this somehow, together or not at all. 

Coffee was a notoriously bad substitute for sleep, but after three mugs of it, Sienne was finally able to focus on his book, nevermind that he didn’t register most of the words he read. Midnight ticked into one o’ clock, and Sienne felt himself reach his limit, halfway convinced he’d just immediately pass out if he didn’t get some rest in the next hour.

But Sebastian had promised to come back, and he’d promised to wait.

So he waited, listening to the clock tick on the wall, words blurring in front of his tired eyes, a ring of coffee drying on the table where his trembling hands had tipped the mug over.

And it was just before two o’ clock, halfway through his fourth cup of coffee, that the distant sound of a motor reached Sienne’s ears before fading.

He held his breath for a second, just listening and hoping. His grandfather’s land was not too far from the tunnel that led in and out of Pelican Town, so occasionally he would hear the distant sound of trucks on the road, but he wanted to believe that this time, it was the person he wanted to see. Who else would be coming into Pelican Town this late at night?

He only breathed easy when the noise of the engine returned, closer this time. The sigh he let out was more like a cry of relief than anything else, and he set his coffee down, barely remembering to bookmark his page before he got up. His knees creaked like he was three times his own tender age of 26, and he promised himself he would take a whole day to sleep in after harvest period was over.

After this entire situation with Sebastian’s father was over.

By the time he was up, the noise had rolled right up to the house, and Sienne barely got his slippers on before stumbling out of the door. The night was a little too hot for the long sleeves he wore as pyjamas, but despite the immediate discomfort, he nearly bounded down the steps towards the man who’d just parked his bike in its usual place.

“Seb!”

As soon as the engine was turned off, Sebastian got off his bike and turned to Sienne. He’d barely managed to get the helmet off before Sienne jumped towards him, all anxiety and eggshells thrown aside for just one moment, long enough for him to throw his arms around his husband’s shoulders and squeeze.

“Thank Yoba you’re okay,” he murmured over his shoulder, letting out a shuddering sigh. “I was so worried, Sebastian.”

“I know, I…” Sebastian’s voice was rough, and Sienne nearly melted when he felt his free hand snake around his waist. “I’m sorry, my love. I saw you’d left a voicemail only on my way into town so I figured I’d just hurry up. I’m sorry I worried you.”

“Understatement of the year,” Sienne scoffed, not willing to let go just yet. “But I’m just glad that you’re safe, and that you’re back.”

“I told you I would,” Sebastian replied, even if it didn’t sound very comforting to Sienne, whose backseat anxieties made themselves known again now that the initial elation was out of the way.

“Babe, I think we should talk,” he said, indulging in one more second before stepping back out of the embrace. In the light of the entrance nearby, Sebastian’s face was streaked with harsh shadows, although the exhaustion in his expression was unmistakeable. Both of them were on the end of their rope. “I think there’s a lot that has to be said between us.”

“Yeah.” At least Sebastian agreed. “Yeah, come on. Let’s get inside.”

“Sure.” Leading the way, Sienne listened to the comforting footsteps trailing behind him and up the stairs, and he’d never been happier to walk into his home than at that moment, with his husband finally at his side.

“I can’t believe you stayed up,” Sebastian muttered, looking around the frankly disastrous picture that was the living room after Sienne had set up his vigil there. “It’s a busy period for the farm, you’re gonna burn yourself out if you don’t get enough rest.”

“I was too concerned about you to sleep,” Sienne protested, watching him take his boots off. “You really scared me, you know.”

“I know.” Sebastian sounded apologetic, at least. “I’m so sorry. I got caught up and had to go to the city to take care of some business.”

“What business?” Sienne asked, crossing his arms, and that was the question that would decide if anything had changed between them, or not. Both of them knew the importance of it.

Sebastian kept quiet for a moment, contemplating his answer, and Sienne leaned against the back of the couch, waiting. Waiting, just as he’d promised.

“I was called to the hospital. My father’s dying,” Sebastian finally said, and it was absolutely not what Sienne had expected.

“What?” he echoed numbly.

“He’s got something with his kidneys, or his liver. I don’t really know,” Sebastian shrugged, trying to look blasé about it with his hands in his jeans pockets, but only managing to look torn. “I've known it for a while. Anyway. He’s gonna die, and before he did, he decided to come bother me one last time.”

“Holy shit.” It wasn’t very eloquent, but Sienne didn’t know how else to react. “Umm… does he still want money from you? Even now?”

“No, it’s…” Gritting his teeth, Sebastian ran a hand through his hair, pulling slightly. “If it was that easy, I’d give him the money and tell him to fuck off.”

“What does he want from you, if it’s not money?” Sienne didn’t like the way ice settled over his body. He didn’t like how stress etched itself so easily in the lines of Sebastian’s face, as if mere thoughts of his father haunted him as much as the man himself.

“It’s…” The words seemed to be getting caught in Sebastian’s throat, and he himself seemed to be getting frustrated with his inability to articulate. “It’s… He wants…”

“Baby.” Sienne couldn’t watch him get angry at himself for something that was out of his control. Sliding forward, just close enough to take one of his hands, he pressed his other thumb into the heavy furrow of his brow to smooth out the stress. Sebastian glanced at him, partially surprised, and so, so grateful, and Sienne’s heart nearly burst with affection. “Take your time.”

Sebastian’s gaze darted from his eyes, to his hand, to behind him, and then back over to his lips before raising back up to Sienne’s eyes and scrutinizing the depths of them. Sienne felt him squeeze his hand, perhaps without realizing it, and he didn’t say anything.

“Forgiveness,” Sebastian finally choked out after a heavy minute of silence. As soon as he said it, his expression crumbled into sorrow, a deep-seated amalgamation of suppressed anger and sadness and terror that he’d hidden for over two decades. “He wants me to forgive him.”

Without even thinking, Sienne leaned forward and drew him into his arms, and Sebastian let him, finally falling apart.

“Oh, my love,” Sienne murmured softly, rocking him lightly back and forth and feeling the exact moment that Sebastian’s breath hitched, devolving into hiccups against his shoulder. There wasn’t anything else he could say. Sebastian wouldn’t appreciate platitudes, and he certainly didn’t need advice.

He just needed to be reminded that he wasn’t alone. Again and again, as many times as it took.

When Sebastian cried, he did so quietly. Whilst Sienne’s anxiety was loud, Sebastian’s was meek, having learned to disappear and hide over many, many years of necessity. It hurt Sienne’s heart to see him like this, still bogged down by fears and habits of the past, even when he had a future to look forward to. However, he knew that it wasn’t something he could unlearn from one day to the next, especially when his demons were staring him right in the face.

“He wants- But I can’t- I don’t want to- But he’s-” Sebastian’s voice hitched repeatedly, unable to finish a single thought before the next one came crashing like a tidal wave, drowning him in the sea of thoughts he’d so valiantly tried to sort out. But Sienne waited. As long as it took, he waited, rubbing circles in the small of Sebastian’s back and letting him break with the assurance that he’d hold his pieces together, this time.

Rooted in place on the doormat, they clung to each other, swaying softly to the sound of Sebastian’s sniffling. He never quite managed to form full sentences, and Sienne still had a lot of questions to ask, but for now, just knowing that Sebastian was willing to open up was enough.

“Do you wanna go to bed?” Sienne finally suggested, feeling his husband’s weight falling more and more into him as the minutes ticked on. His own knees were starting to shake, too. “You’re exhausted and you look like you’re just gonna get frustrated with yourself at this rate.”

Sebastian considered this for a second before giving a tiny nod against Sienne’s shoulder, still not making any move to pull away.

“Okay.” One step at a time. “We’ll talk tomorrow. Thanks for telling me this, though.” He squeezed him one last time and then stepped back, letting Sebastian stand on his own two feet. “I’m really relieved we’re talking.”

“Me… Me too,” Sebastian croaked out, using the hem of his long sleeves to rub the tears away from his eyes. “I’m sorry… it took so long.”

“It’s fine,” Sienne assured him, and for once, he wasn’t lying. He used the hem of his own sleeve to dry the tears collecting on the line of his jaw, taking the opportunity to rub affectionate circles on his cheeks. “We made it, didn’t we?”

The firm, comforting statement nearly brought another round of tears to Sebastian’s eyes, but he bit his lip in an effort to control himself. Nodding his agreement once again, then glanced over at the bedroom door, and then back to Sienne. Finding his husband endearing even when he was upset, Sienne laughed and took his hand.

“Yeah. Let’s go.”

They tucked into bed easily, like they had done so many times before, before everything had changed between them. But then, as Sienne caressed the last lingering tears off of Sebastian’s cheeks, he realized that it wasn’t true. Nothing had changed between them. Of course they had to learn and grow from the tumultuous experience, but at the core of it, they still loved one another, and that was all there was to it.

“Sweet dreams, my love,” he murmured once they were settled and silent, still idly running a finger over Sebastian’s cheek. Wetly clumped eyelashes barely open under the weight of exhaustion, Sebastian’s eyes were dark and sad, and Sienne hoped that whatever he saw on his face was at least a little comforting.

They fell asleep with the moon high in the sky, not quite touching, but also no longer so far apart.

…-…

In the summertime, the sun rose early, and yet somehow the rooster always knew to crow at 6AM.

This time, when Sienne woke up, Sebastian was still fast asleep next to him, arm bent under the pillow, dried tear tracks on his cheeks, and all the lines of his face relaxed. In the slivers of sunlight finding their way past the curtains, Sebastian looked ethereal, as if he would disappear the moment Sienne blinked.

On his end, Sienne felt terrible. His eyes burned in protest each time he blinked, heavy and irritated by the lack of sleep. The moment he turned his head on the pillow, massive vertigo took ahold of him, his vision blurring until he couldn’t tell up from down. Whimpering lightly, he closed his eyes again until the dizziness stopped, trying to breathe through the violent nausea curled up right under his heart. His joints ached even before he moved, and even his skin felt hypersensitive, nearly painful as he shuffled lightly in the sheets.

“I didn’t even drink last night,” he groaned to himself in a low voice, careful not to wake his husband with his complaints. Nearby, the wall clock ticked, urging Sienne to get up and get to work, but the moment he turned to get up, he nearly blacked out.

Left trying to catch his breath after the terrifying feeling of freefalling had dissipated, he stared at the ceiling, blinking residual spots out of his eyes.

“Well then,” he croaked, his throat parched and sore, “I suppose I won’t be going anywhere this morning.”

No one answered him, and that seemed like a fair enough answer in itself.

With one last colossal effort, he turned back on his side to face his husband’s peaceful expression, and let the minute tremble of his eyelashes lull him back into sleep.

He drifted off, wondering what it was that Sebastian dreamed about.

…-…

The tables were turned on Sienne when, later in the morning, it was Sebastian who nudged him awake rather than the opposite. It took quite a bit of shaking for him to be even able to squint up at his husband, who stood above him from the side of the bed.

“Hey,” Sebastian greeted him when Sienne finally cracked his eyes open, glaring at him a little bitterly for good measure. “Not that I wouldn’t let you sleep in, but it’s already 10AM, and I know you’re going to be stressing out over your work later if you don’t get started, so…”

“Seb,” Sienne started, his voice rough with sleep, and the raspy quality of it at least had some worry flashing through Sebastian’s eyes. “’m not getting up. Think I burnt out.”

“You okay?” Alarmed, his husband sat down by his waist and put a hand on his forehead. “You don’t feel hot…”

“Not sick,” Sienne groaned, leaning into Sebastian’s touch as the hand trailed down to his cheek. “Just… exhausted. Dizzy. Nauseous. Everything hurts, that sort of feeling.”

“You’re burnt out alright,” Sebastian confirmed with a sigh, guilt flashing through his features. “Sorry. It’s because of me, isn’t it?”

“It’s everything all at once.” Sienne didn’t outright contradict him because they both knew he’d be lying if he did, but he did raise a hand to touch the one Sebastian had on his face. “But it’s fine. I’ll just sleep a little more today and be up on my feet again by tomorrow.”

“Want me to tend to the farm today?” Sebastian offered. “There isn’t much I know how to do, but I can feed the animals and continue where you left off for the harvest.”

“It’s too hot for that.” Sienne had no doubt that he was terribly dehydrated, in retrospect, because of his arduous work under the sun on top of the near-drowning. It would explain why he felt so dizzy recently, at least. “If you could just let the animals out and feed them, that’ll be enough. I’ll finish the harvest tomorrow. The tomatoes will live, if not live a little too ripe.”

“I can do that.” Offering him a soft smile, Sebastian caressed his cheek once more before pulling his hand away. Instead, he leaned in and pecked Sienne’s lips, and it hit Sienne that this was their first kiss since their disastrous morning out in the ocean. He’d missed his husband more than he’d realized, and he let out a whine when Sebastian pulled away, just to make it known. “I’ll be back soon,” Sebastian chuckled when he pulled away and saw Sienne’s childish pout. “Want anything before I go?”

“Glass of water?”

“Sure.” Getting up, Sebastian threw him another fond smile before heading off. “I’ll be an hour or two out there, so take a nap. I’ll make lunch before I wake you up.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Sienne hummed, his heart warming at the easy domestic routine that they’d fallen right back into, as if their relationship hadn’t never been strained in the first place.

“And, I was thinking…” Halting at the door, Sebastian chewed on his lip in thought before turning hesitant eyes to Sienne. “Umm… after lunch, would it be okay if… if I talked to you about my father and explained the whole story?”

“Yes.” Sienne nearly bit his tongue in his haste to answer, not expecting Sebastian to bring it up by himself. “Yes, of course. For sure.”

“Thanks.” That seemed to reassure Sebastian, and he nodded at Sienne before opening the bedroom door. “Okay, be right back.”

“Mhm,” Sienne hummed in acknowledgment, and as he left, remembered something important. “Wear sunscreen!” he yelled out after his husband, and subsequently lapsed into a series of coughs as his dry throat spasmed.

“Yeah, yeah,” Sebastian chuckled from the other room, and at the sound of his carefree happiness, Sienne felt warm.

Basking in that warmth and caressed by errant strings of sunlight, he dozed off even before Sebastian returned with the water.

…-…

The nap did Sienne a world of good, and although he didn’t feel incredible when Sebastian woke him up just before noon, he also didn’t feel like he would keel over at any given time, unlike the entirety of the day yesterday. Sebastian wasn’t much of a cook, so lunch was a simple tomato salad with bread and goat cheese, something that Sienne appreciated in light of the nausea still bothering him. He couldn’t eat much more than a few bites, but with just a bit of food and a near-gallon of water in his body, he felt alive enough to have the conversation that they’d been putting off for much too long.

Sienne let Sebastian set up a spot for them to talk, hoping he’d figure out whatever made him the most comfortable. No words were exchanged until they were both settled in the living room, Sienne with his knees up on the couch and Sebastian on the armchair nearby, legs crossed underneath him. They each cradled a mug of coffee in their laps, although it was more so that they had something to occupy their hands when the conversation inevitably became heavy. Sienne sipped idly at his, mentally apologizing to Dr. Harvey for disregarding literally every bit of advice he’d given when he’d visited.

“So…” Sebastian eventually began, eyes fixed on the coffee table in front of them. The decorative plant on it stared right back. “I’m… not too sure how to begin.”

“Well, you told me your father was sick,” Sienne reminded him, recapping everything he knew. “And that he’s been contacting you for a week now, apparently asking for you to forgive him.”

“Yeah.” Already, Sebastian’s features tightened. “I… haven’t spoken to him in…” he counted under his breath “seven, almost eight years. Honestly, he hasn’t really been able to contact me ever since I ran away to my mom’s.”

“Ran away?” Sienne tried not to look too curious. Robin hadn’t been too forthcoming with the story either, so he was in the dark about nearly everything. “You didn’t move with your mother?”

“Mom took me and ran when I was a kid. Two or three years old,” Sebastian began, looking pensive. “She ended up here in Pelican Town and settled down, at least until my father got in contact with her again. Apparently threatened to take her to court for abducting me. She had no way to prove it was in protection of both our safety, so she had no choice but to go back. She already had a taste of life in the valley, though, so she was terribly miserable with my father.”

Sienne couldn’t imagine Robin being miserable. His mother-in-law was the picture of an independent, self-made woman, and his heart squeezed when he thought of how bad it must’ve been for her back then, when she was still all alone.

“Did they get a divorce?” he pressed on, letting the heat from his mug burn his fingertips a little, if only to keep himself grounded.

“Eventually. By the time I was six, it was final, but…” Sebastian’s expression turned dark, eyes riveted on the table. He didn’t seem to be totally aware of his surroundings as he remembered his childhood. “Mom had to leave me behind.”

“What?”

“My father had all the money and properties to his name, and mom had nothing to hers.” He said it matter-of-factly, even though the realization made Sienne’s vein turn to ice. “Mom wasn’t able to convince them that he was dangerous, so the courts ruled that he should have custody of me.”

“Seb, that’s horrible.” Sienne could begin to understand how things had turned south for both him and Robin. It all felt so unfair, even if it was in the past. “She wasn’t allowed to keep you?”

“She fought so hard, but the ruling was final,” Sebastian shrugged as if it was nothing, although the distance in his eyes said otherwise. “She had no choice but to move back to Pelican Town, where she at least had a few connections and acquaintances, and do her best so that she could eventually appeal the decision.”

“Did she manage?” The answer was obvious, but Sienne wanted to ask anyway.

“No.” There was real grief in Sebastian’s eyes. “I wish she could’ve, but it’s ridiculously hard to overturn a custody order, even if I asked it of the judge so many times.” He shut his eyes for a second, breathing sharply. “There was nothing I wanted more than to get out of there.”

“Yoba…” Sienne swore softly under his breath, his heart aching for his beloved. “So…?”

“I ran away when I was fifteen.” There was a huge gap of years left unsaid, and Sienne didn’t press him. “Came here. I was still in contact with him until I turned eighteen, at least to make sure we didn’t get into any more legal trouble, and after that… Well, after that, he just didn’t exist to me anymore.”

“Until now.”

“Yeah. Until now,” Sebastian finished lamely, swirling his mug to watch the coffee slosh dangerously close to the edge. “He wrote to me about a week ago asking to talk. I ignored him, and he kept trying. Mom got involved to get him to back off, especially since he still hadn’t said what he wanted to talk about. The night before our… incident,” he winced visibly, “he texted me out of the blue, saying he was on his way.”

“Is that why you were so anxious to go see your mother?” Sienne asked, slowly stringing the pieces together until a coherent, devastating story began to surface. “Were you scared he’d go there and hurt her?”

“Mom’s stronger than most people give her credit for. He wouldn’t have been able to do anything to her, not after all this time, but…” Sebastian glanced up for the first time, a little shy and a little scared, and Sienne saw the way shame and insecurity dug their trenches in the lines of his face. “I dunno. I was just scared. He wouldn’t know I’m married and moved out, so he’d show up at my mom’s, and that would be a disaster. Especially if, I don’t know… Demetrius answered the door.”

“He doesn’t know about your father?” Sienne cocked his head, surprised.

“Not as far as I know,” Sebastian shook his head. “Mom didn’t want to involve him in that part of her life.”

“Like mother like son, I suppose,” Sienne couldn’t help but tease, leaning onto the arm of the couch to watch the tips of Sebastian’s ears turn red.

“I said I was sorry,” he muttered, pouting lightly, and Sienne couldn’t help but smile.

“I know. I’m just glad we’re talking.” He paused, giving them both time to breathe and enjoy the brief lightness in their conversation. It gave Sienne the opportunity to drain the rest of his coffee, although he kept the mug in his hands to at least have something to fiddle with. Watching him at it, Sebastian took a tiny sip of his now-lukewarm coffee before he continued.

“Anyway. Long story short. We met him outside and he finally explained what was going on and what he wanted from me.” He bit his lip, gaze getting lost somewhere in his coffee once again. “He explained he had a terminal illness and wanted to make amends before it took him. Looked pretty convincing, too.”

“Do you think he was sincere?” Sienne asked quietly, carefully.

“Doesn’t matter.” The very first sign of anger flashed across Sebastian’s expression, a low snarl that quickly turned into pursed lips. Despite his words, it seemed like it had mattered quite a lot. “It made me so angry. For the grand majority of my life, all he’d done was take from me, take and hurt and-” His breath hitched, and he swallowed heavily past it. “And now… after all this time… he still wants more from me. He wants me to tell him that... what he did to me was okay. That he’s changed, and that he’s a better man. He wants me to…” He rubbed his face with his hands, beginning to get overwhelmed. “He wants me to get rid of his regrets before he dies.”

Sienne said nothing, only gripped his mug tight until the ceramic creaked. He no longer had a place in this conversation. From here on out, it was between Sebastian and himself.

“But I still think of him.” Sebastian was bent over with his elbows on his knees, holding his head. “Even when I don’t want to. Even when I’m happy. Even when I’m sleeping. I hadn’t seen him in years, yet he was still all around me, every day of my life, and now he just waltzes back in, thinking I can forgive him for ruining me.” His fingers twisted in his hair, pulling lightly. “He said he’d changed and that he was sorry. He really promised he’d try to make amends. But how does he intend to make amends for ruining all my chances at having good things?”

He paused, and Sienne saw the was his hands twitched. He couldn’t see his face until he finally sat back up, facing Sienne with his eyes rimmed red. Not crying, but so, so close.

“He nearly ruined the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” he rasped out, eyes darting to Sienne’s eyes, his lips, and then back to his lap. “How can I forgive him for that?”

“I’m still here,” Sienne assured him in the tiniest of whispers, and Sebastian’s lips twitched downward for a split-second.

“It’s unfair,” he simply concluded. “I don’t care what kind of man he’s become. To me, he’ll always be the man from my nightmares. He has to know that, so why… Why is he asking me to forgive him? And if my answer’s so easy, then why is it so upsetting?”

He fell silent, and Sienne let him process it, but soon it became obvious that he had no answer. That this was the question that had been bothering him all along. This was where his string of logic ended and devolved into a violent entropy. Even now, his expression was beginning to crumble as the anxious thoughts began to swell and scratch at his brain.

Sienne stepped in, knowing that this was his reason for being here, at his side.

“Sebastian,” he called out, softly, just enough to cross the tumultuous ocean of thoughts rising up to isolate and swallow his husband up. Sebastian looked up to him, eyes wide and pleading to stay afloat. “Despite everything, you still want to forgive him?”

Sebastian stared. His lips parted slightly as he breathed in. He swallowed.

He blinked, and two tears finally dripped onto his cheeks.

“I do,” he answered shakily. “I do want to forgive him. But I can’t.”

Sienne’s heart clenched at the same time as Sebastian put his wrist up to catch his tears into the sleeve of his shirt.

“I can’t forgive him,” he repeated, his voice wavering as his heart processed everything he was feeling. “But this is my last chance. He’s gonna die, and it’ll be over for him no matter what I decide. But for me…” He swallowed heavily again, avoiding Sienne’s gaze when more tears spilled over unprompted. “I don’t want to end up regretting it. I just want him to leave me alone. And maybe forgiving him and moving on is the way to do that, but I can’t-” Anger poked its head past the veil of silent sorrow for a moment, twisting his features again. “I can’t. I can’t forgive him. I feel like I have to, I want to, but I can’t.”

“You don’t _have_ to,” Sienne instinctively corrected before realizing he’d spoken up and cut Sebastian off. He shut his mouth to let him continue, but Sebastian had clearly latched on, waiting for him to continue, so he did, fumbling for words. “I mean… no one is forcing you to forgive him, just like no one forced him to abuse you for your entire childhood.” That drew a visible wince out of Sebastian. “He made his choice, and now, after all this time, you finally get to make yours.”

The gears almost visibly creaked as Sebastian mulled over Sienne’s opinion. He really hoped he hadn’t said anything wrong, or even worse, platitudes.

“You’re right,” Sebastian finally admitted. “I just… I just don’t know what choice to make.”

“If you’re making a decision because you’re afraid of having your own regrets later on, then maybe that’s your answer right there,” Sienne suggested, treading lightly, gauging his reactions as he went. “You don’t have to decide based on fear anymore.”

“Yeah…” Sebastian admitted, letting the realization sink in. Sienne watched two more tears fall into his lap. “Yeah. I don’t want him to haunt me anymore.” More tears followed soon after, and when he spoke next, his voice was tight. “He dictated my whole life.” His voice began to rise, incrementally with each breath. “He beat me, ridiculed me, made me feel like nothing-” A strangled mix of anger and sorrow escaped his throat, interrupting him for a second. “Even when I made it out, it all followed me. I resented everyone. I was afraid of everyone. I hated being myself.”

He paused, as if not realizing he’d said all those things, and Sienne swallowed heavily past the lump in his throat. It was hard, to hear the agonizing truth coming out of the man he loved, but it also looked like catharsis. And Sienne could only wish that it soothed him in the end.

“He did all of that to me,” Sebastian finally sniffled, wiping his eyes and nose with his sleeve once again before glancing up at Sienne. And of course, all he could do was hold his gaze, firm and steady for Sebastian to find anchor within it. “I don’t owe him anything. Not forgiveness, and definitely not any more space in my life.”

“That’s my boy,” Sienne let out in a shuddering breath, his heart melting. “If that’s what you want, Seb, then that’s what you should believe in from here on out. And maybe you’ll doubt yourself down the line, but you should remember how you felt when you decided this. Those feelings won’t lie to you, I promise.”

“Thanks, Sienne.” Despite the tear-streaked face and red-rimmed eyes, Sebastian managed a smile. “Really. Thanks. You didn’t give up on me even for a second, and that… that means a lot to me.”

“What can I say?” Sienne chuckled, perhaps a little shakily, feeling his own tears welling up finally. “I just really, really like you.”

Sebastian let out a surprised snort of amusement, not having expected that, and his hand flew up to his lips to cover up his smile.

“I really, really like you, too,” he assured him, and leaned over to place his cold coffee on the table before getting up. “Hey, Sie. Is it okay if I go take a walk? I need to be alone to hash my thoughts out.”

“Of course.” Getting up as well, Sienne took his own empty mug and Sebastian’s, shooting him a smile before walking off towards the adjacent kitchen. “Take all the time you need. Just be careful, it’s really hot outside.”

“Sure,” Sebastian hummed, still sniffling a little. “And you stay indoors. You’re still looking a little pale.”

“I’ll catch up on the sale records I’ve been putting off,” Sienne reassured him, grabbing the sponge to wash the mugs. “Don’t worry.”

“I’m not.” Sebastian’s voice was much closer, right behind him, and by the time Sienne turned his head to glance to the side, Sebastian had hesitantly placed his hands on his waist, as if expecting Sienne to push him away.

He didn’t. Placing the sponge down, he rinsed his hands and turned the water off, simply bracing his hands on the edge of the sink while Sebastian slowly looped his arms around his abdomen and pressed himself to Sienne’s back.

“You make me a better person than I ever could become on my own,” he murmured, his voice low and gravelly next to Sienne’s ear. Shivering at the proximity, Sienne just smiled, enjoying the warmth of his husband against him. They weren’t usually the type to be physically affectionate between them, but at this moment, there was nowhere else Sienne wanted to be, nothing else that he wanted to be doing.

“And you do the same for me,” he replied airily, and smoothly turned around until he was leaned against the counter, Sebastian’s arms still around him. Crossing his gaze, Sienne followed the delicate curve of his eyelashes, lost himself in the darkness of his eyes. “I’m glad we’re still here, together.”

“Yeah,” Sebastian said, and kissed him.

Sienne had missed him, ardently so, but in this moment, there was no fervor, no burning passion to them. They kissed, and it was simply like crossing a bridge over still water. Behind Sienne’s closed eyes, there were still tears, but when one of them rolled down his cheeks, he knew that it was only shed out of relief.

Drawing back, Sebastian also pressed a kiss to the teardrop waiting on his cheek, and Sienne let out a soft sigh at the warmth that bloomed in its place like springtime flowers budding on a tree.

“I’ll see you later,” Sebastian murmured once more before finally pulling away, and Sienne caressed his cheek with the back of his hand before he let him go.

“See you,” he said, and this time, with the full force of confidence that had eluded him so far, he let Sebastian walk away.

…-…

Harvest season passed, and a couple more thundershowers graced them, but despite it all, things seemed to have settled between them. Sebastian didn’t say anything more about his father, nor what he’d decided and done after their final conversation, but Sienne didn’t press him. His role was done, and this time without a doubt, he knew that Sebastian would come forward if he was needed ever again.

But Sebastian seemed to be doing just fine, and even better than before, so Sienne didn’t ask. They simply went on with the life they shared together, faith renewed and sunken in steel between them.

Then, on a rainy night, Sebastian woke up. Sienne wasn’t aware of it until a soft call of his name broke him out of his dreams, bringing him to a reality where his husband needed him more.

“Babe…?” he grunted out, eyes heavy with sleep and unsure if he’d hallucinated Sebastian’s soft voice calling out to him. When he opened his eyes, however, and blinked a few times, he saw the soft outline of Sebastian’s body, sitting on the side of the bed and illuminated by a soft backlight. It was completely dark outside, the staccato of gentle rain audible against the windowpane.

And Sebastian was silent.

“Seb…?” Sienne called again, sitting up and nudging the discarded covers towards his feet. “You okay?”

“Sienne.” Sebastian’s voice didn’t quite shake, but didn’t sound as usual either. Sienne scooted over a little towards him, until he could see what he held in his hands.

It was his phone, open on a texting application. The harsh light of the screen cast a heavy chiaroscuro on Sebastian’s face, but when Sienne glanced at him, he saw nothing. There was nothing in his expression.

“It’s over,” he simply said, and clicked the screen shut. They were plunged into obscurity once again, quiet but for the rain. “It’s over.”

Sienne didn’t need to ask. There was nothing left to say. It was finally over.

He simply moved to Sebastian’s back, and, sitting behind him, drew him into his arms. He pressed his ear in between his shoulder blades and closed his eyes, listening to his heartbeat, breathing in tandem with him. It was a moment frozen in time, where the world continued to revolve, and effectively left them behind.

Sebastian didn’t cry. He didn’t say another word, either.

He simply let himself be held until he was ready to move forward, and at that moment, allowed Sienne to pull him back into bed. They lied down facing one another, and Sebastian fell asleep easily.

Sienne stayed up for as long as he could, simply watching his eyelashes flutter. In his sleep, his face was smooth, his expression peaceful. After all this time, he looked like he could finally be dreaming.

Lulled by the steady sound of his husband’s breathing and the patter of gentle rain outside, Sienne also fell asleep. And in the morning, he wouldn’t remember his dream, but waking up next to Sebastian would feel just the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, trauma doesn't disappear from one day to the next, but Sebastian's got a life ahead of him to work it out, slowly but surely. And his hubby's gonna be there with him every step of the way. 
> 
> I don't know if I have a lot to explain here. I feel like everything was pretty much said in the fic lol. Oh, but there was one more big scene I wanted to include, and there's a whole lot of foreshadowing to what that scene would be but... by the time I was writing the 2am reunion, I realized that it would just feel contrived if I included it with the way things were developing. Maybe I'll write a separate oneshot for that scene...  
> (Or actually, I'm working on a mod for the game that isn't exactly the same, but that scratches the itch just fine. It's just more angst and concerned spouses mwehehe)  
> (On that note, I was reading all the characters' wikis for research for the mod, and... Sebastian literally has the most lines saying "I love you"??? Who let this kid be so openly affectionate??? God I can't believe I'm in love with a 2D pixel boy...)
> 
> At any rate, thank you so much once again for making it this far. I loved writing this fic, really, it was so much fun to navigate this relationship and see the way the characters evolved. There are several things I had in mind that didn't make it into the final version because I realized that the characters had evolved in a different direction, and I loved that feeling of writing without knowing where I went. It was like I was reading the story at the same time as I was writing it. All this to say, I had a lot of fun and I like this fic very much, and I really hope you did too. Please share some feedback with me if you've got any thoughts on anything, good or bad, and feel free to talk to me on social media if you prefer. 
> 
> Once again, thank you for your support!! It really, really means a lot, especially for a fic like this (: 
> 
> \- Cin

**Author's Note:**

> Tags explained:  
> \- Past child abuse: Seb's biological dad was abusive to him when he still lived with him. This is the trauma that he tries to work through in the fic. No child abuse is described in the fic, though there are discussions of how it was in the past.  
> \- Abuse: Robin's ex-husband was abusive and manipulative when they were married + had Seb. No abuse is depicted in this fic itself, although there is talk of what it was like in the past. Also, there is a very small part where the farmer almost lays a hand on Seb, but he stops himself. It's not intentional, they talk about it and it's a source of development for both of their characters. Abuse is not romanticized in any form in this fic.  
> \- Panic attack: Seb has a panic attack that doesn't present conventionally, nor is described as panic attacks usually are.  
> \- Suicide: No suicide attempt takes place. Seb's panic attack from the outside looks like attempted suicide to the farmer, but Seb/Farmer talk about it and clear it up. There is a vague, blink-and-you'll-miss-it mention of a suicide attempt in one of their pasts.  
> \- Non-explicit sex: Two married, consenting adults havin a good time, but I'm actually scared of writing smut so I never actually describe what's going on :^)  
> \- If any other tags concern you, just send me a message through any of my social media and I'll answer any questions as soon as possible!
> 
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